'Pseudomutuality': Why it takes so long to spot narcissistic abuse
Why is narcissistic abuse difficult to recognize?
Oftentimes, it's hard for people on the outside to spot the toxic behaviors of a narcissist because of "pseudomutuality," a facade of happiness and perfection projected onto the public in order to hide the manipulation and continue the abuse privately.
"It's a great way to keep the victims confused about what is really true," says Alexandra Skinner Walsh, licensed mental health counselor and founder of The M.A.D. Therapy which helps survivors of abuse. "They might not feel genuinely connected, safe, or unconditionally loved, but others tell them they are, leaving them wondering: What's really true?"
On the outside, a narcissistic parent may embody the role of a perfect parent, only to pit siblings against each other with no conflict resolution. A romantic partner may post heartwarming photos on social media while privately engaging in verbal abuse and isolating behaviors.
What seems like a unified front can be riddled with chaos and dysfunction. And because this reality is hidden from the public, experts say pseudomutuality is an effective technique to prevent victims from seeking help – or being believed when they do so.
"It's the ultimate form of gaslighting… not to be confused with the normal, subtle differences between public and private (life) that occur within all families," says Shannon Thomas, trauma therapist and author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse." "What they are told about the family or person does not align whatsoever with their lived experience…This often leads to psychological abuse out of the view of others."
What is pseudomutuality? How to spot emotional manipulation in your family, relationships
In a healthy relationship, boundaries and clear communication are crucial. There is the freedom to make mistakes and grow as individuals, and people are allowed to have other relationships outside the family.
With pseudomutuality, however, this is not the case. The American Psychological Association defines the clinical term as "a family relationship that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding although, in fact, the relationship is rigid and depersonalizing." The term can also be applied to romantic partners.
Common signs of pseudomutuality include:
Lack of boundaries: Victims, in the family or relationship, are discouraged from keeping secrets or deviating from the narcissist's expectations because boundaries are seen as a threat to their control.
Emotional manipulation: Gaslighting, projection and isolation.
Rigid enmeshment: Individuals are expected to uphold a public image of cohesion and happiness with the narcissist. Speaking out is typically met with punishment, such as insults or smear campaigns.
The cost of living with pseudomutuality
Oftentimes, pseudomutuality is so effective that it takes years, sometimes decades, for victims to realize they were living under the control of a narcissist. This is because pseudomutuality is an intentional strategy to control victims and the way they're perceived, Walsh says.
"If a family looks connected, close and united, the outside isn't going to look any further to see what is happening under the surface of it all," Walsh says, adding that it "protects the narcissist from being revealed to the outside world."
But experts warn that living in constant chaos and dysfunction can lead to long-term mental health consequences, such as a lack of self-awareness, indecisiveness, inability to express emotions and low self-esteem. It can also impact future romantic relationships by struggling to find authentic connections.
How to deal with a narcissist
It is notoriously difficult to leave a narcissist, whether it be a former significant other or a family member. But experts say with more awareness, there are ways to break out of the cycle.
Be aware of warning signs: Ask yourself, "Am I allowed to have my own goals and opinions, or relationships outside of this one?" "How do they react if I express being hurt or upset?"
Trust your instinct: If things do not add up to expectations, Thomas recommends being truthful with yourself in order to gain independence from the manipulative environment.
Familiarize yourself with manipulation tactics: such as hoovering, baiting and negging.
Education on what a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship looks like: Know that healthy relationships will resolve conflicts peacefully and are characterized by respect and compromise.
Prepare for negative responses: If you attempt to leave the narcissist, conflict and scapegoating are common responses, Walsh warns. But it's important to be prepared to navigate these challenges while gradually disengaging.
Set boundaries with gray rocking: This means boring the narcissist by being as unresponsive as possible. Those who are co-parenting after separation may want to opt for a slight variation called yellow rocking, which involves "the infusion of a little more emotion in communication."
Seek support online or local support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse: Seek a trusted friend, family friend, or professional therapist.
Understanding narcissism
The ultimate guide to narcissism: Here's what it is – and what it isn't
What is 'gray rocking'? How to set boundaries with the narcissist in your life
'Hoovering': The emotional manipulation tactic used by narcissists to win back their exes
Are you an 'echoist'? Some people are prone to emotionally abusive relationships. Is this you?
'Baiting': Narcissists use this manipulation tactic to make others think you're the problem
Divorcing a narcissist: One woman's battle with post-separation abuse
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Narcissistic parents, partners use 'pseudomutuality' to hide abuse
