Super Bowl 54: Dave Barry talks about seeing JLo, Shakira and an inflatable Giant Poo

If you have any doubt that Miami is the center of the celebrity universe this week, consider this: In a single afternoon, only an hour apart, I found myself in close proximity to Jennifer Lopez, Shakira and an inflatable Giant Poo. In fact — prepare to be jealous — I was actually inside the Giant Poo.

I will have more on that life-changing experience later, but first I want to talk about hanging out with Jennifer Lopez (a.k.a. “J. Lo”) and Shakira (a.k.a. “Shakira”). These two superstars will be performing in The Pepsi Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime Pepsi Show Sponsored By Pepsi. Pepsi is the Official Soft Drink of the National Football League, not to be confused with Gatorade, which is the Official Sports Drink of the NFL; or Bud Light, which is the Official Beer of the NFL Even Though Light Beer Sucks; or something called “Bon & Viv,” which is the Official Hard Seltzer of the NFL, not to be confused with the Official Wine of the NFL, which comes in a can and is called “Babe.” Really.

I caught up with J. Lo and Shakira downtown at the Hilton Hotel, just the three of us hanging out casually in a ballroom along with several hundred media and Pepsi people all taking iPhone videos. J. Lo and Shakira were introduced by a high-ranking Pepsi marketing nebbish who said that this year’s halftime show — this is an actual quote — “just might be the most fun and entertaining 12 minutes this world has ever seen.”

That’s a bold statement, considering that this world has seen some pretty darned entertaining things, such as the legendary 1965 segment on the Johnny Carson show — check it out on YouTube — in which Ed Ames threw a tomahawk at a cowboy-shaped target, and it stuck in the groin at such an angle that the cowboy appeared to be rootin’ and just about to start tootin’, if you catch my drift. THAT was entertainment.

So the bar has been set high for J. Lo and Shakira, but they are smart, personable women, and they promised to put on a fun halftime show, featuring singing and dancing, and maybe some surprises. At the end of their press conference they tossed footballs to the crowd, and, based on their throwing form, we should pray that the halftime surprises do not include tomahawks.

From there I went to Wynwood, which is an arty neighborhood in the sense that every square inch of everything is covered with paint. If you fall asleep on a bus bench in Wynwood, you will wake up a completely different color.

I was there to see the inflatable Giant Poo, which is sponsored by Poo-Pourri, a product that reduces bathroom odors. For the record, the Giant Poo is NOT the Official Poo of the NFL; that would be Bill Belichick. But the Giant Poo is very impressive in its own right. It’s 34 feet tall, and when you go inside you have a three-minute poo experience, where you sit on one of eight iPad-equipped commode seats (I swear I am not making this up) and watch a video in which a woman named Bethany in a cocktail dress urges you to write your negative thoughts on the iPad and flush them away. When you pull a flush chain, your negative thoughts disappear, you feel a puff of air on the back of your neck, the toilet seat vibrates and spacey music plays as Bethany delivers an inspirational closing speech. I can honestly say I have never experienced anything like it.

I spoke with a spokesperson for the Giant Poo, Rachel Champlin, who told me that it’s on a 22-city tour, and the poo experience has been quite popular. “In Orlando,” she said, “we had a two-hour wait.”

If that doesn’t epitomize Orlando, I don’t know what does.

Several pro-football players were scheduled to make personal appearances with the Giant Poo in Miami. The first was Mark Ingram Jr., a Pro Bowl running back with the Baltimore Ravens who won the Heisman Trophy in 2009. I went through the poo experience with Ingram, and he seemed to enjoy it. I asked him how it compared with winning the Heisman.

”It’s cool,” he said, demonstrating the elusiveness of a veteran running back.

From the Giant Poo I walked about a block to the Butcher Shop Beer Garden and Grill, where Nick Mangold, former center for the New York Jets, was giving a demonstration on how to cook with a Bernzomatic blowtorch. According to Bernzomatic spokesperson Heather Reeves, blowtorch cooking is an actual thing, pioneered in the Sixties by the late, great Julia Child, who played linebacker for the Vikings.

Mangold was blowtorching pork sliders, which for the record were delicious. I asked him if it was a good idea to encourage people, especially people who may have been consuming Official NFL Beverages, to be operating blowtorches. Mangold pointed out to me that barbecue grills are just as hot as blowtorches. I considered responding that no matter how hammered you get, you can’t wave a barbecue grill around and accidentally set somebody’s hair on fire, but I decided not to, because (a) Mangold’s point was that people need to be responsible, and (b) Mangold is the size of the Lincoln Memorial.

So let’s all enjoy our Super Bowl celebrations, but let’s also be careful. Ed Ames, I am looking at you.