The Argument for Crying at Work
Have you ever cried at work? Because I have. Many times. Sometimes in the middle of a meeting, sometimes I save it to the end and go to the bathroom, my cubicle, or even a walk around the block as I feel the prickle of tears rushing to the surface and all the deep breathing in the world isn’t going to stop the inevitable. And lately? I just do it at my desk as I work from my living room. Does this make me weak? Is this what they were talking about with women being too “emotional” to hold positions of leadership? I’m here to tell you no. Having feelings is human, and using our emotions and empathy helps make us stronger leaders.
For too long leadership has been defined by masculine qualities. Ones that dismiss feelings, empathy, kindness, and emotions as distractions to real business. In a study by the Pew Research Center honesty, intelligence and decisiveness we deemed as the top qualities needed in a leader. Ranking almost 20% points below that was the quality of being compassionate. Furthermore, Pew says “Some 27% of adults say that men are more decisive than women, while only 9% see women as more decisive than men. About six-in-ten (62%) say men and women are equally decisive. Similarly, while 21% of the public says men are more ambitious than women, half as many (9%) say women are more ambitious than men. (A 68% majority see no gender difference on this trait.)” So what does this mean? Luckily there is a strong majority that believe both genders can have these qualities, but there is a substantially sized group that believes men more strongly possess these qualities. A conclusion here might be that we need to show that women can also be decisive and ambitious, but what I might argue is that we need to equally show that those qualities are not the well-known hallmarks of leadership that we’ve come to know them as.
Think of the leaders who have made a difference in your life. What were their qualities that helped make a strong impact? For me, these qualities were compassion, vision, flexibility, kindness, and innovation. These leaders were able to not only embrace change, but get ahead of it and provide clarity and assurance for me, their employee. They also showed appreciation for my work, and held in their minds a map of our team and their contributions to every project. Their strong leadership allowed projects to not only progress and be successful, but also for employees to progress in their careers and be successful. In another Pew Research Study they have this to say about compassion and empathy, “roughly six-in-ten adults (61%) say female political leaders do a better job at being compassionate and empathetic, and a similar share (59%) say the same about female business leaders. By contrast, only 5% say male political leaders are stronger on this dimension, and 4% say the same about men who lead in the corporate realm.”
There are some gendered differences in how women and men both lead and are perceived to lead, but moving beyond how good leaders make us personally feel, women leaders are actually a great business decision overall. We’ve seen statistics on how companies with more women in top management teams have greater stability and profits, but why is this? According to a study by the Harvard Business Review, “when top management teams added female executives, they gradually shifted from a knowledge-buying strategy focused on mergers and acquisitions — which could be described as a more traditionally masculine, proactive approach — towards a knowledge-building strategy focused on internal research and development, which could be described as a more traditionally feminine, collaborative approach.”
Not only does a more collaborative and empathetic approach help businesses from a top down executive leadership method, but it is this empathy and compassion that helps us relate to customers and users as we design products and services that serve real needs. These same qualities drive a company culture that makes employees happy, satisfied, and retained in a workplace. Based on results from a survey by Peakon an HR insights platform, women-led companies appear better at meeting overall job satisfaction needs than those led by men.
It turns out being seen as a whole person and feeling motivated based on kindness instead of fear helps create a positive work environment. Who’d have thought? So next time you picture professional behavior, or judge what being a leader in the workplace means, challenge yourself to shake up the old narrative that business suits and stern voices are the pinnacle of professional. Instead, think about how we can start to revalue what we see as feminine qualities and see them as strengths that everyone should value and have. Oh, and next time you feel like crying in the workplace, try one of these strategies:
Box breathing: this is a method to help slow your breathing and recenter yourself. Focus on your breathing and breathe in for four seconds, now hold it for four seconds, release for four seconds, and finally hold that exhale for four seconds before starting again.
Find a friend: if and when you’re ready find someone at work who you trust to talk it all out with. In this safe space, feel free to let the tears flow again as you process what happened, and use this time to feel validated and make a game plan for going forward.
Let it happen: that’s right, just let it happen. Sometimes we just can’t stop it anyway, and showing your vulnerability to someone who just hurt you is the ultimate wake up call that they need to check themselves. 99% of the time we are crying for completely valid reasons. What’s important after letting it all flow, is that you find a resolution for what pushed you over the edge. Make sure you reach some kind of resolution not only with the person who pushed you to the tipping point, but also with yourself as you think about how to move productively forward. I know some of my biggest work resolutions have happened after I let it just all come out and cried to my coworker — and guess what? I still feel like a leader after doing it.
