Triangulation: What is it and how do you stop it from ruining your relationship?
What common way does a couple try to de-escalate tension or resolve a fight? If your first answer is sex, you're not wrong. But it's not the answer I was looking for.
A common way many couples try to manage their relationship issues is through triangulation. Have you ever heard the phrase before?
Triangulation is often defined as two people using a third person to stabilize their relationship or relieve their anxiety. Triangulation happens when a person outside the relationship intervenes or is drawn into the tension, stress or conflict in an attempt to resolve the situation (often by facilitating communication).
What is triangulation? Here's what it looks like:
Let's make this practical. Here are some examples of triangulation. Do any of them resonate?
Example #1. Parents who involve their kids in their issues, hoping that the child can help them smooth things over. Sometimes the child will act as a messenger, and other times the parents will use the child as a point of connection.
Example #2. Your mother-in-law stops a public argument you're having with your partner during a family dinner. As a result, the yelling stops, but you both ignore each other for the rest of the night. To help, your mother-in-law takes turns talking to you and your partner to facilitate understanding and reconciliation.
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Example #3. A couple disagrees, so they call their best friend to tell them who is "wrong" and act as a referee.
Example #4. You may be sick of the bickering and tension at home, but it gets better when you both complain about your loud neighbors. So, over time, you find a way to release your frustrations, act as a team and create closeness with each other by introducing the inconsiderate neighbor into the mix. You find peace by finding a common enemy to fight instead.
All these examples are between couples, but it's important to remember that triangulation can happen in all types of relationships.
How triangulation impacts your relationships
Although outside perspective and guidance can be helpful, constructive and stabilizing, triangulation can also negatively impact relationships – and it often does! Why? Because by involving a third party, we often prolong conflict resolution and make communication more complex and murky. We may start to rely on the support of others, which is not only stressful, unfair or burdensome for the third party, but it also prevents us from learning to work through issues and gain new skills.
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We should acknowledge that some individuals may use triangulation to manipulate their partners, friends family or colleagues. For example, "Sam, you know what Alex said about you?" And, "Alex, it's crazy how jealous Sam is of your promotion.” Triangulation can be destructive and destabilizing when it's used to create false narratives or escalate conflicts.
Beware of these signs of triangulation
It's essential to notice triangulation and its impact on our relationships. Awareness is the first step in stopping any destructive form of it. Ask yourself:
Do my partner and I bond over disliking people?
Do I rely on a friend or family member to mediate difficult situations in my relationship?
Do other people deescalate my conflicts in public?
Do I ever use someone I know (including my child) to pass on hard message to my partner?
The constant use of triangulation could indicate that the couple needs to enhance their communication skills, which more often than not comes with building safety and trust in the relationship. A great way to do so is to understand that whenever anxieties, conflicts and fears come up, speaking them won't ruin the relationship – it's the one thing that can save it.
Remember, when you are experiencing an issue, focus on the problem and don't conflate it with one another. Please don't make it personal – it's you two against the world (or the problem in this case).
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Triangulation: What is it? And how it impacts relationships, arguments