Trump said lay down your life to stop critical race theory. But what about…Oxford commas?

I was told by former President Donald Trump that I must be willing to lay down my life to prevent my son Tanner from going to school and being turned socialist by critical race theory.

At a rally last weekend, Trump said: “Getting critical race theory out of our schools is not just a matter of values, it’s also a matter of national survival. We have no choice, the fate of any nation ultimately depends upon the willingness of its citizens to lay down, and they must do this, lay down their very lives to defend their country. If we allow the Marxists and Communists and Socialists to teach our children to hate America, there will be no one left to defend our flag or to protect our great country or its freedom.”

I don’t know what critical race theory is – if I did, I would surely be a Socialist or Marxist or Communist, or possibly all three – but I do know it’s the most important issue America is facing. So I hereby accept Trump’s call: I will gladly die in a hail of chalkboard erasers hurled by middle-school history teachers if that’s what it takes to make sure my son’s school curriculum includes only subjects of which I approve.

Alabama, Mississippi take on CRT

Fortunately, I’m not alone in this fight. On Thursday, lawmakers in Alabama’s House of Representatives passed a bill banning “divisive concepts” in the state’s K-12 history classes. (Why doesn't this also apply to math classes?!? Nothing divides us more than fractions.)

Republican Rep. Ed Oliver said that while the bill doesn’t specifically mention critical race theory, that theory could be considered a divisive concept: “Very simplistically, (the bill) is to prevent kids from being taught to hate America and hate each other.”

Perfect! Critical race theory – which, again, I can in no way identify or define – must be stopped, because thinking about things critically, thinking about race and learning about theories all sound like pathways to hating America. We should stick to teaching our kids the Three Rs: “Reagan, pRayer and I foRget the third one.”

Columnist Rex Huppke: Read more of his humor columns

Earlier this week, Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves signed a similar anti-divisive-concepts bill into law, saying: “In too many schools around the U.S., (critical race theory) is running amok. It threatens the integrity of education and aims to only humiliate and indoctrinate.”

What I love about that statement is it DEMOLISHES something another guy named Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves said about critical race theory on a radio show last year: “I am not aware of any school district that currently allows for it.”

I’m glad we have the 2022 version of Reeves to protect us from the 2021 version of Reeves, who is clearly a commu-Marxist-socialism sympathizer. I’m also glad that, according to Education Week (which I don’t read because it might teach me things I don’t want to know), “41 states have introduced bills or taken other steps that would restrict teaching critical race theory or limit how teachers can discuss racism and sexism” since January 2021.

This 'Oxford comma' sounds dodgy

Efforts to keep this particular thing that isn’t happening from happening are noble, but I’m equally concerned about other things I don’t want my child (Tanner) learning about.

Let’s start with the so-called “Oxford comma.” That sounds awfully European. Introducing Tanner to foreign-sounding punctuation likely created by effete socialist list makers might make him feel guilty about the way Americans have traditionally used commas. I will not allow these “educators” to make my son reckon with grammatical emotions that are not positive and patriotic.

Which is why we must also do away with the letter “Y” in all K-12 education.

USA TODAY Editorial Board: Critical race theory fear a mix of the predictable, the outlandish and the justified

The last thing I, as a parent, need is some liberal teacher filling my kid’s head with the idea that a letter can sometimes be a vowel and sometimes be a consonant. Y NEEDS TO PICK A SIDE!!

Shield kids from alphabetic fluidity

I don’t send Tanner to school each day to learn about age-inappropriate things like alphabetic fluidity. So I’ve asked lawmakers in my state to adopt a “Don’t Sa ‘Y’” bill that bans the teaching of the letter “Y” and keeps class instruction grounded in the more traditional 25-letter alphabet and the celebration of patriotic dates like the Fourth of Jul and President’s Da.

None of this is intended to restrict what teachers can teach or limit what children can learn. Not at all. It’s merely aimed at protecting my white, cisgender American son from things nobody is actually doing so he can continue believing he is fantastic and in charge.

If that doesn’t happen, as President Trump suggested, the Marxists and Communists and Socialists, who I assume all hang out together in one evil lair, will win.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk/

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to [email protected].

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump views critical race theory in schools as an existential threat