Whitney Cummings: Codependence Isn't Just for People in Romantic Relationships
Whitney Cummings shares that codependency applied to all of her relationships. (Getty Images)
Actress and comedian Whitney Cummings is opening up about her struggle with codependency.
“When my therapist first suggested that I was codependent, I was confounded because I wasn’t dating anyone,” Cummings wrote in Tuesday’s Lenny newsletter. “I thought it meant you were in a bad relationship with someone else, when it really means you’re in a bad relationship with yourself.”
Cummings says the term is misused, noting that a person who is codependent can’t tolerate the discomfort of others.
“I couldn’t say no to save my life,” Cummings wrote. “I even found myself in sexual situations I had no interest in. I’ve slept with people because ‘they drove all this way.’”
She also had difficulty receiving gifts from others, even though she often bought them for people. “I could give someone nice jewelry, but when they tried to buy me a two-dollar coffee I would resist to the point of it getting awkward,” she said. “And if someone gave me a gift, I viewed it like a grenade. I would have to wait until you left to open it because I was so worried I wouldn’t receive it well enough.”
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Codependency outside of romantic relationships isn’t uncommon, Erika Martinez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Miami, tells Yahoo Health. “It can manifest between parents and children, siblings, and even work colleagues,” she says.
While other people may simply view codependents as being really nice or accommodating, codependency can be harmful for the constant giver. “Such individuals don’t tend to value themselves,” Martinez says. “They don’t feel they’re worthy of that gift, praise, etc., and they get the sense of validation they crave by being the giver.”
As a result, the codependent’s sense of self-worth and identity are hinged on their interactions with others being positive, Martinez says — and that can lead to insecurity, resentment, and poor self-esteem.
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Codependents are often in danger of being taken advantage of, psychotherapist and codependency expert Ross Rosenberg, author of “The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us,” tells Yahoo Health, and they’re often drawn to narcissists, who exploit their giving nature.
But there are different levels of codependency and the condition is not always dysfunctional, Rosenberg says. However, he adds, there’s a difference between saying “you didn’t need to do that!” when someone shows a random act of kindness and chronically feeling unworthy or bad about it.
Cummings broke the difference down this way: “Essentially, if I drive you to the airport because you can’t afford a taxi and I expect nothing in return, that’s benevolent. But if I drive you to the airport secretly hoping you’ll like me, owe me, won’t abandon me down the line, or to control your perception of me (i.e., I want you to think I’m nice), that’s codependent.”
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Think you might be codependent, but aren’t sure? These are the major signs, per Martinez:
You can’t tolerate being alone
You have unstable, volatile relationships (romantic and otherwise)
You have poor interpersonal boundaries in your relationships
You feel a strong need for acceptance, praise, and positive feedback
You have an excessive worry of what others will think
You put others’ needs before your own, despite the consequences because you feel the future of the relationship depends on doing so (i.e. “She won’t be my friend if I don’t….” )
Luckily, there’s help for codependents, often through therapy. “Treatment for this pattern of behavior tends to be longer as the related thoughts and behaviors are ingrained over many years since childhood,” Martinez says. There are also 12-step based support groups like Co-Dependents Anonymous that can help people overcome their codependency.
Cummings got help through therapy and a 12-step program, and now says she’s overcome her codependency tendencies. “I’m proud to say that today, when someone gives me a gift, I can receive it with grace,” she says. “I can say no and not be wrought with guilt. When I say no, I don’t over-explain or apologize profusely. I understand on a soul level that I can’t give what I don’t have.”
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