Why am I being ghosted? What am I doing wrong?
If you've been on the receiving end of a dating partner's attempt to ghost you, you know it feels terrible. Many of us take comfort in the fact that being ghosted is often a reflection of the "ghost" rather than the person who has been ghosted.
But what if we have a history, or even a pattern, of being ghosted? Are we contributing to the dynamic? What would that even look like?
I am not here to imply that it is our fault that someone disappeared and left us grappling with rejection and unknowns. I am here, however, to suggest that there are some common reasons why people get ghosted and that it's within our power to change them.
Why people might ghost
We are coming on too strong. If you just met someone, telling them that you have stalked their Instagram and love their vacation pictures from 2017 could be a bit much. Just as like throwing around baby names early on in the relationship or asking them to RSVP to a wedding with you after a second date may scare them off.
We are disclosing too quickly. Honesty is needed, and vulnerability is great. That said, talking about family history or personal struggles too quickly might cause the other person to step back. Although we want a partner who will be with us through the good and the bad, expecting that at the start of any relationship is unrealistic. The person needs to be open and willing to carry the heaviness of what we are going through; it should not be forced on them.
We are acting self-centered. I once had a friend tell me that she started a drinking game, so whenever her date would offer a fact about themselves or answer her question without asking her anything back, she would take a sip of her drink. She found that most people weren't curious about who she was. I was not surprised. Although we all want to put our best foot forward and charm our dates, sometimes we take this task too seriously and forget to invite the other person into the conversation. It is not an attractive trait!
We talk about our ex a lot. A normal part of many relationships is talking about relationship histories. There is nothing wrong with talking about our ex. But, suppose we frequently bring them up in conversations or explicitly compare our date to our previous partners. In that case, that could be an uncomfortable position for our date, and it can give them an impression that we are not over our ex.
We are picking the wrong people. Sometimes we choose people we know we won't have a future with to keep ourselves "safe" from getting hurt. And yet, self-sabotage doesn't make the pain of rejection hurt any less. Wanting to avoid commitment or catching “serious feelings” can lead us to choose people who are more likely to lack the skills to respectfully end relationships.
Keep this in mind if you're worried about being ghosted
People need time to figure out who we are and how they feel about us, and we should take our time doing the same.
Pacing ourselves doesn’t mean hiding aspects of who we are or implying that we are "too much." It means that we need to be aware and respectful of the context and mindful that others might process information differently. If you feel inclined to make marriage jokes or say I love you after the first date, it can be a signal things are moving too fast. Chances are, the other person is not there yet.
More relationship advice for you:
It's not as simple as you think: Reasons why you're lying in your relationship
More: How soon is too soon to have sex when dating someone new?
What is 'soft-launching' a relationship? And is it right for you?
Many people take seductive selfies. Are the pictures empowering or desperate?
Are you looking for sex or intimacy? There's a difference.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at [email protected].
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Ghosting: Five reasons you keep getting ghosted by dates