Breastfeeding Feud at Restaurant Takes Surprising Turn

Photo: 3photo/Corbis

Public-breastfeeding controversies are nothing new. And the latest, concerning the owner of an Illinois restaurant who asked a nursing mom to relocate to protect other customers’ sensibilities, fit all the typical hallmarks. Only this time, the offending business’s eventual turnaround — apologizing for shaming the mom, admitting wrongdoing, and hosting a pro-nursing gathering for mothers — has been truly refreshing.

“I learned a lot, and I was wrong,” John Mathias, owner of the Big Fish Bar & Grille in Wilmington, Ill., tells Yahoo Parenting.

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The latest brouhaha began on Sunday, when mother-of-two Kristal Snow Tomko was dining at the Big Fish Bar & Grille in Wilmington, where she’d been a customer many times before. On this occasion, her 6-month-old began to fuss while her table was waiting for its food to arrive, so Tomko quieted her child by nursing him.

“Really never been an issue. Until today,” she wrote in a detailed complaint about what happened next on the restaurant’s Facebook page. “Your hostess came by and asked if I would like a napkin to cover up. I replied no thank you. She said ‘Well we need you to cover up if you are going to do that here.’” And so the back-and-forth continued — with Tomko informing the hostess that Illinois state law allows for public breastfeeding, with said hostess allegedly turning snarky, and with chef-owner John Mathias appearing at the table to suggest the mom and baby retreat to the banquet room or bathroom.

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“I was made to feel embarrassed and shamed, as if I were doing something wrong,” wrote Tomko, who could not be reached for comment by Yahoo Parenting. “I went quietly and quickly to my van where I cried and nursed.”

Her post was quickly shared more than 1,000 times, prompting outrage and anger from breastfeeding activists and other supporters. And tempers really flared when Mathias first responded to the post, defending his actions and explaining that he respects all customers, and that someone at a neighboring table was offended, and then drawing parallels to past customers who have used “foul language,” or been “dressed improperly” and been asked to leave. He then extended an offer to have a conversation with Tomko.

Critics exploded following Mathias’s comments. “Really? You just compared nursing her baby to offensive language and dressing inappropriately? Big Fish is one of my favorite places to eat…it is very close and delicious. However, I won’t go the again because of this,” wrote one woman. Posted another, “How humiliating. I’m so sorry that happened to you, Kristal. And then to top it off, the business owner not only refuses to apologize, but also compares breastfeeding to using foul language or dressing inappropriately? Terrible.”

Breastfeeding supporters organized a nurse-in, set to take place outside of Big Fish on Friday evening. But it’s since been called off — a response to Mathias’s Facebook apology, posted just three days after Tomko’s message.

“I have to say that my family here at Big Fish Bar & Grille and I have learned more in the last few days than we ever expected,” he wrote. “We have always prided ourselves on the quality and service we offer and truly hope that everyone that walks through our doors is treated as a member of our family.”

That said, he continued, “This past Sunday, we really pulled a #BigFishFail when one of our guests, a nursing mother, was made to feel less than welcome. It took a lot of educating (in both constructive and not so constructive forms) from not only those in our community but around the world, and we realize that we not only made poor decisions on Sunday, but my own responses were not well thought out. Big Fish Grille and I support the rights of nursing mothers and would like to offer a sincere apology to our guest for her recent experience.”

In addition, Mathias announced that he is in the process of setting up breastfeeding-sensitivity training sessions for his 20 employees, and that the restaurant would be hosting a nurse-in for moms on Saturday, at which they would be giving away Big Fish onesies. On Friday night, Mathias tells Yahoo Parenting, Tomko is dining there as his guest.

Another similar controversy — that of a nursing mom being chastised by an employee of a Golden Corral in upstate New York — also ended with an apology, when the franchise owner admitted she was “beyond embarrassed” by the employee’s behavior. But countless other situations — including a recent one on a Virgin Australia Airlines flight and another in an Oregon branch of Goodwill — took a bit longer to turn around.

This time, Mathias says, in his opinion, “the real story is how things online can take on a life of their own.” In the initial days following Tomko’s post, he says, “It got violent,” with people threatening death and injury. While the whole situation could’ve ended after he offered to speak with Tomko about her upsetting experience, had she taken him up on that, he says, “People see things and they just react.”

Still, Mathias, who has spent his life in the restaurant business and describes himself as a “very hands-on” proprietor, is earnest about wanting to do the right thing for nursing mothers from this point on, and is working with the advocacy group Best for Babes to set up staff trainings.

“We were very impressed with Mr. Mathias’ desire to take the right steps to prevent another incident, not just because of his business, but also because of his employees,” the organization posted on its website. Michelle Hickman, the group’s Nursing in Public hotline director, suggested moms head to the nurse-in, “not …with fire in our eyes, but with love in our hearts.” Sounds like a great approach.

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