How to Fight in Front of Your Kids

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My husband and I used to playfully bicker regularly about little domestic things — the way he can’t load a dishwasher, how I never seem to figure out what can actually go in the recycling bin. But once we had kids, we were sleepier and grumpier. The tone of our bickering got a little harsher, the words a little less playful. In an attempt to “not fight in front of the kids,” we bottled things up and smiled tight smiles for a while, which inevitably ended in way bigger fights that we both felt guilty about after the fact.

A recent study led by NYU’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development and published in the journal Development and Psychopathology states that “exposure to verbal and physical aggression between parents may hurt a child’s ability to identify and control emotions.” Major guilt pangs! Janet Lansbury, author of “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting,” tells Yahoo Parenting that “when parents — the gods of their children’s world — are arguing, there is no way that kids can be comfortable. To manage their own emotions, they need Mom and Dad to be the solid, stable leaders who take care of them.”

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But how should parents — who are human, and who need to work through issues now and then — address their own conflicts? We asked Lansbury, and clinical psychologist Ivy Margulies, for some practical advice:

Model Self-Control
“Adult prefrontal cortexes are secure, so we are the ones with emotional self-control,” says Lansbury, adding that parents shouldn’t be inauthentic with their kids and act fake chipper when there’s something wrong. But it is okay to table criticisms or bad feelings that come up with your spouse until you have a chance to talk about them later. “If you do begin arguing in front of the kids, take a step back and model self-control,” advises Lansbury. “Say, ‘Let’s both take a breath. We’re getting carried away, let’s talk later.’ Then children see what positive conflict and emotional regulation looks like. Remember: No matter what we try to teach with words, we are teaching with actions.”

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Explain the Conflict
If an argument does escalate in front of a child, it’s important not to pretend that it didn’t happen. “When parents fight and children aren’t debriefed afterwards to help them process the emotions that arise, they’ll make up a story in their heads,” Margulies tells Yahoo Parenting. Most commonly (and heartbreakingly) kids think the fight was their fault — if only they behaved better or helped out more, their parents wouldn’t be mad at each other. Head that off by explaining any conflict they witness. “It’s important for adults to take responsibility and clarify to children what’s going on in whatever terms is appropriate for their age,” says Margulies. “Remind them they’re loved and the fight’s not about them.”

Don’t Bottle Emotions
Turns out those thin-lipped smiles we tried in my house were a mistake. “Kids sense tension between parents even if it’s unspoken,” says Margulies. “Silent hostility or discomfort that is regularly present is stressful for kids, and can create a sense of shame around expressing feelings.” Instead, try the self-control modeling advice above — that puts the conflict out in the open without a big emotional eruption.

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Resolve and Repair
Don’t beat yourself up if a fight does happen occasionally in front of the kids. They’re familiar with conflict among siblings or playground friends, and it’s okay for them to see that it’s part of life. “What they need to know, though, is that conflict is something we face and resolve,” says Lansbury. “If you have the presence of mind, share a hug with your spouse after harsh words are exchanged, and let your kids see it.” When that’s not quite yet possible, Margulies advises saying something like this to your child: “Everything’s okay. Sometimes moms and dads argue, but we’ll work it out. The love is always there and our family is strong.”