'I Could Have Died:' How to Handle a Scary Birth Experience

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With my first child, labor took nearly a full day. But number two? She arrived about 3 ½ hours after my water broke. That whirlwind from sleeping in bed to getting to the hospital is one for the record books. As my husband and I gazed at our new daughter, teary and bleary-eyed with joy, I thought, “I’m so glad that my second birth experience was this blissful.”

Cut to two hours later, when I hemorrhaged on the delivery bed. A team of doctors raced in, gave me a blood transfusion, and emptied my uterus of the many clots that had been accumulating as I nursed my beautiful new girl. The baby was whisked to a nursery and I was taken to a surgical recovery room to be held for the next 12-24 hours under close observation. “Good thing you were in a hospital!” joked a nurse in an oddly cheerful voice.

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After the ER-like experience, I willed myself to be upbeat, talking about celebrity gossip and New York’s best bars with my monitoring nurse. I took my mind off the Scary Thing that had just happened, and soon my husband and I were back on the regular maternity floor with our baby, then being discharged.

On our second night at home, my older daughter, who’s three, was getting ready for bed and singing songs from Frozen. I was feeling warm and maternal and that’s when the thought crossed my mind: What if I had died from the hemorrhage? I broke down. Tears flowed for hours as I contemplated a dark alternate ending to my birth story.

“Even when you have a birth where everything goes well, it’s such a big event that it needs processing,” says Dr. Irena Milentijevic, a psychologist who specializes in helping mothers overcome stress, loss, and depression. Milentijevic tells Yahoo Parenting that when the mother or baby’s life is in danger, or there is serious injury to either, it can lead to PTSD symptoms. And all while you’re expected to jump into an intense new parenting role. Here’s Milentijevic’s advice for how to deal:

Feel the Fear
“When you’re in a stressful situation, your brain goes into shock or a sort of autopilot mode — it isn’t safe to be afraid,” explains Milentijevic. Later, when you’re at home and past the emergency, negative thoughts may haunt you: “I could have died” or “My baby could have died.” Milentijevic says it’s healthy to explore these ideas in your mind and allow yourself to be scared. “Go there,” she advises. “Accept those thoughts — you can’t stop them. Unspool them and get the fear out of your system.” And remember: Once your brain allows you to process those emotions, it means you’re safe.

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Give Yourself Time
Being a new parent has a plethora of challenges even after the most ideal birth experience. Recruiting close friends and family who can help with cooking, cleaning, and other chores so that you can focus on your baby and your recovery is a good idea no matter what, and it’s especially important if you need extra time to heal — emotionally or physically — from a trauma. “Carve out alone time to just cry,” says Milentijevic. “Give yourself permission to get it out.”

Lean on Your Partner
Remember to include your partner as you process your experience. Although they didn’t physically go through what you did, chances are he or she was in the room and felt many of the same emotions — talking about it together can make you both feel less alone.

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Consult With Your Doctor
If there was a medical issue, Milentijevic advises having a phone call or even asking to meet with your physician after enough time has passed for you to contemplate what happened. “It’s not uncommon to have questions, and a phone call is easy,” she says. Even if your doctor explained things at the time, you likely weren’t in a place to fully grasp the information, and it’s helpful to review the situation now that the danger has passed.

Share, Share, Share
“Giving birth is formative. It’s an identity changer and a huge emotional transition, so women need to talk about the experience and offer information among mom friends and relatives,” says Milentijevic adding that research has shown that debriefing right after birth can reduce the frequency of Postpartum Depression and the severity of PTSD. “You’ll put things in perspective with other women… your friends, your mom, your siblings,” says Milentijevic. And if you went through something super-scary, she suggests that you speak the words: I could have died. “Saying them takes away some of their power.”

Find a Support Group or Professional Help
If you are ruminating on a birth trauma weeks or months later, a professional therapist or support group may help — ask your OB for recommendations. Milentijevic notes that this experience is not uncommon, and there are many women sharing stories and moving forward together.

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