'My Biggest Parenting Regret'

You can read every parenting book, take every class, register for every product and, still, raising a child will be mostly learn-as-you-go. When you’ve got a newborn, survival — sleeping, eating — is the main goal. (Gold star if you shower!) During the teenage years, you’re lucky to get through the day without deflecting an eye roll and an “I hate you!”

It’s easy to look back when all is said and done — when the sleepless nights are behind you, or the kids are off to college — and think of what you could have done better, or what you wish you’d changed.

Me, I wish I’d freaked out less when my daughter wouldn’t nap in her crib. She got there, and turns out my crying about it didn’t help.

I regret buying a closetful of clothes before she was born, which all turned out to be the wrong size and wrong season and were never actually worn.

I probably shouldn’t have cut her nails in the hospital and pulled off a hangnail, which then got infected, which meant that my 8-day-old daughter had to be put on antibiotics for the puss oozing from her finger.

But we survived. And now I know for next time.

STORY: What Parents Should Really Know About Having a Newborn

We all have regrets. Lessons are always learned. The good news: For every dad who wishes his daughter was a better crib sleeper, there’s one who dreams of a kid that will nap on the go. For every mom who wishes she’d taught her kid to eat what the family eats, there’s one who regrets the time she fed her little one curry. (Guilty.)

An informal survey of other parents’ regrets has taught me one very freeing lesson: We all wish we’d done something differently, but, in the end, we can’t screw them up too much.

Sleeping

“I regret not sleep training my son! I read all the books but feel like I should have done more starting at four months. We’re still paying for that mistake and he’s two next week.” – Jen M.

“I regret creating a ‘just right’ sleep scenario for my babies, using white noise and blackout shades. For the next six years, we traveled with a white noise machine and roll of aluminum foil to cover windows wherever we stayed.” — Amy S.

“On one hand, I’m happy my little guy learned to sleep in his crib from night one, but I really wish he would sleep anywhere, like maybe our bed sometimes. Traveling is so hard because he likes his own crib.” — Farnaz R.

Technology

“I regret letting my kids play hand-held devices. Even though I enforce a strict screen time allowance of one hour, it’s a constant battle, and now they so easily get ‘bored.’  We have nine acres of property and a basement with ping pong, foosball, pinball, and air hockey, and still they claim there’s ‘nothing to do.’” — Nicky G.

“I wish I’d never let my son watch TV during dinner. Now he’ll only eat dinner with the TV on. We can’t have conversations with him and sometimes we can’t even talk to one another.” — Stacey F.

Beauty

“When I was nursing my daughter I got a spray tan. I made extra care to avoid my entire breast and nipple area. I nursed her in the dark that night and when she woke up in the morning, half her face was tan. She looked like the Phantom of the Opera! The tan had rubbed off my arm when I was holding her. It washed off, but I felt like an idiot.” — Gillian H.

STORY: Beauty After Baby: The Honest Truth

Food

“I regret not serving my kids exactly the dinner my husband and I were eating when it was a ‘mixed’ dinner, like chili, shepherd’s pie, or pasta with sauce on it. Instead, I would serve them pieces of the meal I made. If we ate chili, I’d serve them just some plain meat, and some beans, and some peppers, but not the actual chili dish. My girls are now 5 and 3 and still will barely touch ‘mixed’ foods. I should have cut up whatever we had really small and called it a day. My husband and I are the least picky eaters on the planet, so it drives us crazy.” — Lindsay B.

“We decided to jump right into feeding our son whatever we were eating – while on vacation in Turks and Caicos. He is a voracious eater and my husband and I thought it was cute how he wanted to taste everything, until he started choking on a piece of cherry danish and my husband had to do the Heimlich maneuver! The next day, we let him try a bite of our spicy fish tacos and he broke out into a rash. After that, we pulled back a little on the whole feeding him everything idea (especially while visiting foreign, Caribbean countries), and he’s still a pretty good eater.” — Lindsay P.

“I made the mistake of asking my son how many pieces he wanted his sandwich cut into. I knew I was in a lot of trouble when I found myself cutting a PB&J into 32 pieces and he counted them to make sure I did it right! We both survived but there were some long roads ahead to getting him to understand that he did not control the universe.” — Jennifer G.

Being Hard on Ourselves

“I regret beating myself up for having a really, really hard first kid. I thought surely I (and some overpriced probiotics from Whole Foods) could ‘fix’ him and his colic, reflux, torticollis perfect-storm-of-awfulness. If I did everything just right, I thought maybe I could make the crying stop. Nope. FAIL. He just came that way and had to grow out of it. Now I have a delightful, easy, happy second kid who sleeps eight-hour stretches before eight weeks. Eight hours! Do you hear that? I’m smart enough now to know that this has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with luck.” — Molly L.

“I regret that I don’t regret more (I wish that I was more driven as a parent).” — Kathryn K.

“I regret thinking my children were suffering because I worked full time. They’re not — they’re actually thriving.” – Laura M.

Development

“I wish I’d trusted my gut more — in many arenas, but especially regarding my daughter’s need for occupational therapy and physical therapy: I knew something wasn’t right, but since she was on the continuum for ‘normal’ development, I allowed too much time to pass before seeking expert advice. She’s come a long way, but I hate thinking how much better things might be if only I’d listened to my instincts and sought help earlier!” — Louise G.

STORY: When To Worry About Your Kid’s Height

Fighting

“I bought my daughter a tuxedo bathing suit. It was adorable, or so I thought. Then the neighbors invited her to swim in their pool. I literally forced her to wear the new suit. She cried. I should have let her wear whatever suit she wanted. You have to pick your fights with toddlers. I chose wrong.” — Martha L.

“I regret asking too many questions of pre-teens and teens. They shut down.” — Laura M.

Appreciating the Moment

“I regret saying ‘Hurry up.’ Sometimes I did slow down, sometimes it felt like a snail’s pace stopping along our way to investigate whatever came across our path. But the thing is, they are 8 and 10 years old now, big kids by comparison to their former selves, and time is moving way too fast. I wish I would have slowed down even more.” — Rachel H.

Language

“I have two girls. My youngest is three years old. We were in Marshall’s one weekend and she was insistent on being a little helper and carrying something that was way too heavy for her. She accidentally dropped it on the ground and out of her mouth came, ‘Dammit!’ I said, ‘You can’t say that!’ She in turn said, ‘But you say it.’ I was a little embarrassed since there were a few old ladies who heard it all. So, I regret not cleaning up my potty mouth sooner.” — Vicki