Notes From a Reformed Tiger Mom

Author Tanith Carey. Photo courtesy of How to Books Ltd.

At a time when hovering seems to be a contact sport for every other mom, Tanith Carey, author of her new “Taming the Tiger Parent,” is on a mission to get mothers and fathers to dial down the pressure they’re putting on their kids. The book by Carey — mom to Lily, 12, and Clio, 9 — examines how today’s parents feel trapped in a never-ending race to ensure their child is the brightest and the best. And along the way, the writer reveals how she underwent her own personal transformation from overbearing to way more hands-off.

Yahoo Parenting: What prompted you to write this book?

Tanith Carey: It arose out of my last book, “Where Has My Little Girl Gone?”, which looked at how girls were being affected by the pressure on them to grow up too quickly. I believe the pressures of being so busy and being tested all the time are as great a threat to kids as the way they feel about themselves.

YP: Did it also arise from the fact that you were a bit of a Tiger Mom yourself?

TC: Well, I wish I hadn’t fallen for the idea, encouraged by educational toy companies and tutoring firms, that we can literally shape our children into whatever we want them to be. Modern parents have been sold the marketing spiel that we are responsible for creating every single one of our child’s successes or failures. The tragedy is that instead of just enjoying our kids, we’re spending every second trying to give them teachable moments, instead of allowing them to enjoy their childhoods.

YP: Is there one thing you look back on that you can’t believe you did?

TC: When I look back at the stacks of Baby Einstein videos I bought for my first child and all the books on my shelf like “Bring Out the Genius in Your Child,” I cringe! I not only think they were a complete waste of time, I wish I hadn’t wasted an important part of my oldest daughter’s early childhood on them.

YP: So what was the “aha” moment that prompted this philosophical change?

TC: When my daughter Lily was 7, she won the science prize at school, but she wasn’t beaming with delight as I would have expected. Instead, she burst into tears and refused to accept the prize! Even at that young age, she realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she was under to keep it up. It was a wakeup call for me to have a really good look at how the hothouse atmosphere both at home and at school was affecting her.

YP: What concerns you most about parents being so invested in their kids’ accomplishments?

TC: The tragedy of all this over-investment is that we aren’t producing a brave new world of brighter, more accomplished wunderkind. Instead, we are producing the most anxious kids. All the sky-high exam results won’t count for anything if our kids don’t have a sense of mental wellbeing.

YP: What have been some of the most interesting reactions to the book?

TC: Some parents have told me it made them cry. Others told me they hadn’t realized how competitive they were and how it was negatively affecting their kids until they read it. In addition, some parents hadn’t realized how much their enjoyment of parenting was being ruined by the feeling that they had to constantly nag and cajole their children into achieving more.

YP: Do you think that kids pick up on that pressure and react accordingly?

TC: Absolutely. Many parents have told me they didn’t realize how the behavioral problems and disconnection they were dealing with directly related to how pressured their kids felt.

YP: Why is this?

TC: When children feel loved on condition of their achievements, they distance themselves. They move away from their parents to save themselves the pain of feeling they’re disappointing them.

YP: So it’s a mistake to nag your kid to practice the piano?

TC: It’s worth considering paring down activities to the ones which really suit your child’s talents, rather than making kids slave away at something they will never enjoy.

YP: What do you hope parents will take away from reading the book?

TC: That stressed, unhappy kids don’t learn. Even worse is the fact that these same stressed, unhappy kids of today will turn into the depressed adults of tomorrow. The change starts with one parent at a time, letting go bit by bit. We need to set aside our ideas of what our children are supposed to be and let them be what they are.