The Most Important Year for Girls

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Think about the young girls you know, pre-11. “They’re out there, they’re verbal, they’re focused and mature and listening and people-pleasing in a way that makes them feel good,” says Stacey Radin, PhD, author of the upcoming “Brave Girls: Raising Young Women with Passion and Purpose to Become Powerful Leaders" and founder and CEO of Unleashed NY, a social justice program for middle school girls. But when they reach the 11-13 mark, Radin tells Yahoo Parenting, there are big changes: “Girls don’t know what hit them — they’re flooded with hormones, things start to shift socially with both peers and adults, and suddenly they’re not sure who they are anymore.”

So how can we keep our daughters afloat during the turmoil of these years and set them up for success into the future? “Talk to them, support their identity, and be the calm in the storm,” says Radin. Here are a few guidelines:

Understand and Accept Her
Starting very young, let your daughter feel in control, within reason, and support who she is. That may mean letting her pick out a tutu, mismatched socks, and a neon boa for preschool, as Radin’s daughter liked to. “When people said, ‘OH. Someone dressed herself,’ I’d reply, ‘Yes! She has such creative style,’” Radin notes. “Be aware of the message you’re sending so as not to undo her confidence.”

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Rein in Your Own Reactions
If your daughter is not invited to birthday party, you may feel like calling the other mom and finagling an invite to save your kid’s feelings. Don’t. First of all, says Radin, she may not even care, especially at a very young age. Check in and make sure it’s her disappointment you’re dealing with, not your own. If she is upset, it’s a learning opportunity. “Model how to handle those feelings without getting anxious yourself,” suggests Radin. “Be there to listen and label: ‘Yes it’s awful not to be invited. It hurts, and it’s disappointing. I hear you. I’m so sorry.’” It’s important to remember not to let your own emotions come into play. “Mothers still have middle school girls inside,” says Radin. “But your daughter’s life and social experiences are not yours.”

You’re Not Her Friend
Once she hits that crucial 11-13 age range, which is a second stage of individuation after toddlerhood, according to Radin, your daughter may again start to test limits. And just like at ages 2 and 3, she needs you to set boundaries. “It’s a big mistake to try to be the cool mom,” says Radin. “I told my daughter, ‘I love hanging out and having fun with you but I’m not your friend.’” Clearly defining that line between friend and parent helps your ability uphold rules that she may not like, but that she still needs.

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Correct Your Own Missteps
"The stakes are higher as our kids get older, so if you make a mistake, fix it," says Radin. For example, if you’re swayed by the classic “everyone else’s curfew is later than mine!” and let her stay out one night, that doesn’t mean you can’t revert to the old rules when you find you’re uncomfortable with the new arrangement. Just be clear, advises Radin. “Say, ‘I didn’t like you being out until 11pm — I don’t think you’re old enough for that hour. Your curfew is going back to 10pm.’ You’re allowed to test things out and reset boundaries. Just be sure to communicate clearly with her and explain your reasoning.”

Guide Her Values 
Lots of parents feel pressure to help their daughters keep up with friends, but Radin says that if your child’s request goes against your own personal philosophies (say she wants a $400 purse that “everyone has”), you’re under no obligation to comply. In fact, this is a chance to teach her about your family’s perspective on materialism. “When an expensive item feels like too much for a young girl, have her save her own money to buy it,” says Radin. “Tell her, ‘If you want to collect your birthday checks and chore money, that’s your choice. More power to you.’ It’s a balance between letting her decide and also upholding your values.” You might also ask her why she feels that she needs the purse everyone else has. Create a conversation every chance you get — she’s listening.

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Talk to Her
It sounds simple, but girls are often verbal from a very young age, and even when they give you silent stares during the pre-teen stage, they’re taking in what you share with them. “She may dismiss your words in the moment, but if you’ve had a good relationship with her leading up to these years, the message is being received,” says Radin. “Know that your 12-year-old daughter is not likely to thank you for the insight.” She’ll probably roll her eyes and walk away as soon as you let her, but it does sink in.

Help Her Develop Empathy
“Guiding girls to be emotionally intelligent and empathetic is key,” says Radin, adding that you can help stop any bullying tendencies in their tracks during these pre-teen years. “If she starts telling you about a friend fight, it’s important to say, ‘I hear your side. How might Mary tell the same story?’” By having her pause to reflect on the other person’s perspective, you encourage her to be an ally instead of an enemy. “She may not be able to see it right away,” says Radin, “but later on after she’s vented, she might say, ‘Well, I did hurt her feelings.’” At that point, help her acknowledge her own role in the situation, and think of resolution strategies together. Ask her, “How can this type of thing be handled better next time?”

Be Calm in the Face of Her Drama
“If you create a fear of, ‘My mom’s gonna freak,’ she’ll start to hide things from you,” Radin warns. “Just letting her speak out loud about who said what about whom at school that day, and listening without judgment or comment, is a good thing.” Girls are very guarded at this age, even with their closest friends, so help her by being a neutral outlet for her feelings. By creating a safe space for your daughter to sit and talk — without a reaction from you — you set yourself up to be the steady, trustworthy parent in later teen years when the stakes are higher. “That’s how you become the one she goes to in high school when drinking, drugs, and sex enter the conversation,” says Radin. “She can come to you because she knows you won’t freak out and you’ll handle things calmly.”