What It’s Like to Be a Single Dad to an 8-Year-Old Daughter
Parents are constantly shamed for their choices. From how we feed our children to how we educate them, everyone has an opinion. The result? Moms and dads feel endlessly judged for the choices they make — even if they have no other options. This week, families around the country are sharing their inspiring, funny, honest, and heartbreaking stories with Yahoo Parenting in an effort to spark conversations, a little compassion, and change in the way we think about parenting forever. Share your story with us — #NoShameParenting.
Full-custody single dads are a growing group, with 24 percent of single-parent homes headed up by fathers — a ninefold increase since 1960, according to the Pew Research Center. But living that reality can still feel pretty lonely for the man managing everything for his family solo.
To find out what it’s like to be a single father, Yahoo Parenting sat down with 42-year-old Ian. He has been raising daughter Lana, 8, on his own in Los Angeles for the past five years — dealing with everything from awkward all-mother playdates to his own dating (or lack thereof).
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“When people find out I have full custody of my daughter, it’s like I’m from Mars,” says Ian, who preferred not to share his last name, during his on-camera interview with Yahoo Parenting. “But when it happens, you just kind of do a gut check: Saddle up, I’m all in. Easier said than done, but [she’s] my priority, and so that’s what I do.”
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Lana, now in third grade, was just 3 when Ian and his girlfriend split after seven years together. A year later, the dad was granted full custody. “She’s got a bond with her mom that nothing will ever break up,” he insists. Yet for all intents and purposes, the TV industry professional is raising Lana, with the help of a nanny. “I think people operate with an idea of what they want their life to be like, and one of the biggest hurdles when your life isn’t what you want it to be is accepting what it is,” he muses. “Most people don’t expect to be divorced, you know?”
(Photo: Yahoo Parenting)
One of the biggest learning curves he’s experienced through raising a girl has been “the realization that she is sensitive or emotional in ways that I would not have expected.” Not a naturally gentle communicator, he explains, “I really had to take notice … that my tone matters more than anything when I speak to her.” Then there’s her gravitation toward “girly girl” toys and activities.
“We paint nails,” he says, “and she gets to paint mine sometimes … and I have played Barbies with Lana. Lana is aware that I don’t enjoy playing Barbies with Lana.” Ditto drawing or painting (“I’m not very artsy and crafty. Is she missing out on that?”) and girl talk (“I don’t do girl talk as well [as a woman would]. Am I hurting her that way?”).
He doesn’t share her passion for shopping, either, but when it comes to styling his daughter’s hair, this dad embraces every opportunity. “It’s a moment where you get to be close,” he says. “She can focus on something else, but I’m still getting what I consider intimate time with her. We talk about how to do this, or if there’s a better way, or can she do this better? I kind of like it.”
The duo has been bra shopping together, yet Ian admits, “I’m not looking forward to tampons or maxi pads. My strategy with that — I think I’ve got a year? — is that I’m going to buy a variety pack.”
(Photo: Yahoo Parenting)
For any truly touchy question Lana may bust out, he has female friends ready to coach him on his responses. “I’ll be like, ‘Hey, I got a question. Prepare yourself,’” he admits. “[I’ll ask them,] ‘When this happened, where were you? What would have made you feel more comfortable?’ I kind of caucus.” What he doesn’t do is shy away. “I don’t have any sort of insecurities about speaking about [physical development] with her, so we talk about it,” he says. “And so it’s not a big deal. … She doesn’t have a different frame of reference [after all]. It’s not like, ‘Ew, Daddy’s talking about this.’ It’s, ‘Daddy’s talking about this, and that’s what we do.’”
But even for all his efforts, Ian admits, “I don’t ever think I have my groove. I am [just] confident in my ability to deal with what comes up.” As a single dad, he says, there’s no other way. To be quite honest, he adds, he isn’t looking forward to the day when there’s another guy in her life. “Lana will never bring home a boy,” the protective papa jokes. “I’m gonna strike fear into the heart of any boy that comes around her.”
Dating isn’t easy for him, either. “Being a single father has been an obstacle, I guess, to having a love life,” says Ian. “But I don’t see it that way. I see being a dad as my number one priority, and so the rest of everything else falls into line when there’s space, which is kind of harsh … [and] not what other people want to hear, but it is what it is.”
Despite all the challenges, Ian insists, “I don’t ever wish that I wasn’t a parent. You wish for some of the freedoms you had before you were a parent,” he continues, “but those will come back. And, by the way, some of the things I wished for — or that I wish I hadn’t lost as a parent — are things that I can now share with Lana. And so it makes it a little bit better.”
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