When Dad Is the 'Toughest Man Alive'

Photo: Joel Ryan/AP Images

Ryan Reynolds often plays the tough guy on screen, whether he’s a butt-kicking CIA agent, immortal cop or straight-up superhero, but in real life the actor admits growing up he was more often quaking in fear, of his father. “In a word, he was scary,” the star confessed to Time in a “Time for Thanks” essay about how his three brothers surprised him by each getting a pierced ear, to match the one he got at age 13, in an effort to splinter the expected force of their father’s rage over his earring. “Growing up my father was – at least in our eyes – the toughest man alive: a former cop, former boxer and full-time landmine,” the 38-year-old wrote, qualifying that his dad wasn’t physically abusive. “He worked tirelessly to provide for his family and in return, you were expected to do what he said, often before he said it. It was a somewhat impossible situation for any normally functioning nervous system.”

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Indeed. Turns out, fear-inducing fathers can have a negative physical effect on their children. “If a child is on the shy, withdrawn side, this kind of behavior would have deleterious effects on him or her and up the risk for stress and anxiety in later life,” Dr. Alan Kazdin, Director of the Yale Parenting Center tells Yahoo Parenting. “Enduring stress in the home can even change the immune system and put you at greater risk for cancer as an adult.”

The good news is that research finds this breed of harsh father is on the way out. Unlike the old stereotype of disciplinarian dads, men on the whole in 2014 are actually more likely to share the responsibility for enforcing the rules, and doling out punishment, with women. “Parents are viewed as having an equally strong responsibility to discipline their children,” reports a 2013 survey by the Pew Research Center.

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Ditto on the soft side of parenting. Sixty one percent of respondents said “providing emotional support to children,” is an extremely important role for mothers, and 52 percent said the same of dads.

Fathers embracing the emotional side of parenting bring plenty of positives to families as well. “Psychological research across families from all ethnic backgrounds suggests that fathers’ affection and increased family involvement help promote children’s social and emotional development,” according to the American Psychological Association in a report on The Changing Role of the Modern Father. “Other research on the role of fathers suggests that the influence of father love on children’s development is as great as the influence of a mother’s love. Fatherly love helps children develop a sense of their place in the world, which helps their social, emotional and cognitive development and functioning. Moreover, children who receive more love from their fathers are less likely to struggle with behavioral or substance abuse problems.”

Ideally both parents play a role in positively nurturing their children. “The opposite of tough love is what is most needed from parents,” explains Kazdin, though he adds that a doting affectionate mother can buffer the negative effect of a fear-inducing father. ”You really want cuddling, caring protective parents in early life. That is the best protection for preparing for the challenges of life.”