Why It's Good Your Kid Is A Jerk

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When Lyz Lenz picked her then 2-year-old daughter up school from last December, the first thing she noticed was a scratch on her face — the result, she learned, of a fight with a boy. “The teachers were quick to assure me that the other boy picked the fight, and that my daughter stood up for herself,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. “But the other kid was also sporting a small cut.”

At first, Lenz, a mother of two, blogger, and columnist for Eastern Iowa’s The Gazette, was horrified that her daughter could have purposely scratched someone. “I’d never had to deal with the physical aggression of my child,” she says. “Knowing she could shove a kid who was picking on her made me proud but also a little terrified.” Her husband felt differently, and encouraged their daughter to stick up for herself when necessary. “Since then, I’ve come around,” Lenz says. “I know the world is a tough place. I’m okay with knowing that she can be a jerk every once in a while when the situation calls for it.”

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While parents certainly don’t want to encourage actions that might be labeled “jerky”—ordering other kids around, picking fights, tattling—know that should your child exhibit these behaviors, there’s a silver lining. “‘Bossypants’ isn’t how most parents want to hear their kid described by others on the playground,” Denise Fields, co-author of “Toddler 411” tells Yahoo Parenting. But disciplining the behavior can be tricky, she says, as parents have to walk the line between establishing authority and fostering a child’s independence and self-confidence. “The good news,” she says “is that kids who are bossy on the playground may end up as adults with great leadership skills.” Just think of Lean In author and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, whose “ban bossy” campaign aims to eliminate the word, and its negative stigma, from the lexicon. “Words like bossy send a message: Don’t raise your hand or speak up,” the campaign’s website says. That’s certainly not the message we want to be sending to our kids—girls or boys.

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Oftentimes, bad behavior is simply misguided rather than malicious, Dr. Carly Miller, a clinical psychologist in New York City, tells Yahoo Parenting. “Kids who may be labeled as ‘jerks’ are learning to speak their mind and advocate for themselves, even if they may not be able to recognize the best ways to go about asking for what they want. They’re developing their voice and identity,” she says. “As a parent, you want to validate the child’s voice but redirect him to more appropriate ways to advocate for himself.”

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So, no, you shouldn’t high five your daughter if she’s acting like a jerk, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up, either. Today’s jerk might be tomorrow’s strong, well-spoken, self-confident, leader.

Just no scratching, okay?