14 Things All Guys Want to Hear in Bed

Summit Entertainment

By Frank Kobola

1. “I’m coming.” They don’t just want to hear it, they want to make sure their neighbors hear it too, so scream it. Every guy wants to know he’s making you orgasm, and what better way to tell him than explicitly stating you’re orgasming, except, you know, sexy?

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2. “You’re so good at going down on me.” We know this is a point of contention for a lot of guys, so it’s nice to know we’ve got nothing to worry about. Men want to hear this when they’re doing anything even if it’s something mundane like taking out the garbage. When it’s something that directly challenges our manhood, that desire increases tenfold.

3. “You’re so big.” This is in direct reference to our penis, not our overall weight and girth. No one wants to hear, “You’re so large that logistically I cannot carry out this primal human interaction, which our bodies were designed for, with you.”

4. “Wow, that was the best sex I’ve ever had.” You’ve got to mean it though. We can tell if you’re saying it the same way you would tell your friend Teresa that her meatloaf is good even though it’s horrible. Because bad sex is like meatloaf: They’re both fucking terrible things that happen to good people.

5. “I’ve never come like that before." The Guinness Book of World Records was started by men who realized that setting records tickled the basest parts of our brains. Knowing we are your vagina’s personal orgasm champion warms the cockles of our heart.

6. “Damn, you just won the lottery.” Literally. We would love to hear this at any point in our day. It would somehow be even better if we found out we won millions of dollars while our penis is in a vagina.

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7. “Do whatever you want to me.” We will immediately put you in doggy style.

8. “You look so sexy like that.” Whoa, what? Guys don’t think they can look sexy, because we’re guys. Unless we’re on the shortlist for People’s Man of the Year, this compliment is pleasantly unexpected.

9. “Did you hear that we finally achieved world peace?” It would be so great to know that human suffering was eliminated within our lifetime.

10. “I can’t take it anymore. Let’s just do anal.” This is just like finding out about world peace, except with butt stuff.

11. “Oh, my best friend is at the door. Can she join?” Yes. Invite all your friends. Is this a trick?

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12. “My whole body is shaking.” This is physical evidence we did well and we know you’re not just faking it.

13. “Can I just give you a blow job?” Did you just ask if you can do all the work while we get to lie there? Yes.

14. “That was so good, I don’t even care if you go out to the bar to watch the game with your friends even though I have no plans.” We’ve done it, we’ve achieved the perfect orgasm.

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