15 Questions You Wish You Could Ask on a First Date
By: Lane Moore
Photo courtesy of Paramount/Everett Collection
1. “What’s the real reason your last relationship ended?” Because you have a problem getting close to women because you’ve been hurt so many times and knowing you will be an uphill battle for us both? I truly do not have six months to find that shit out via a series of hints.
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2. “Why do your friends think you’re still single?” ”Well, Jake isn’t great with commitment”? Cool. Thank you. Next.
3. “Do you have endless commitment issues?” Being “really scared something’s going to go wrong” counts, FYI.
4. “Are you just going on dates to distract yourself from your crippling loneliness?” Or do you actually want to meet someone you could really like? No judgment either way but I don’t need to be the teddy bear you brought to a bar.
5. “Do you have a crazier-than-normal family?” And you never really recovered from what happened and will probably reenact it all in some really exhausting way during the course of our relationship? Spare me this ASAP.
6. “Are you addicted to anything other than caffeine or chocolate?” And are you addressing these addictions head-on, or are you still in a place where you’re going to black out every time we hang out yet swear you’re fine?
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7. “What’s the weirdest thing you’re going to want to do sexually?” Sex with 18 people while inside a tree trunk? Sex while wearing a Scream mask? I’d actually be into the second one, so good to know.
8. “Do you have any exes you still aren’t over?” If you look even slightly misty-eyed while you answer this, I’ll assume that’s a yes.
9. ”Have you recently been tested for STIs?” I don’t even really care what the status is, I just want to know that you know.
10. ”Do you hate gay people?” Dude, it’s not 1922. They’re literally everywhere and they’re terrific.
11. "How regularly do you shower/bathe/wash your sheets?" If any of the answers to these are “monthly,” I’m going to need to take my own shower and probably cry in there because I hugged you when we first met up and you’re a sack of dirt.
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12. “Do you secretly have rage problems?” I don’t want to find this out when the waiter gets your order wrong and I have cocktail sauce on my dress because you broke our plate of shrimp.
13. “How many times have you called women ‘whores’ or ‘sluts’ in the past year?” More than zero times? Bye, dickhole.
14. “What’s your credit score?” Look, if this goes really well and one day we want to get an apartment together but we can’t because you haven’t paid a bill since you first started getting bills, that could be an issue.
15. "Are there any animals you hate?" If I introduce you to my cat, will you try to hit it with a stick? If we see a puppy on the street, will you joke that you hope it gets hit by a car, thereby causing me to run away from you without saying why?
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