Cosmo Sex Tips: Your New Must-Follow Instagram
Hey ladies, need help spicing up your life in the bedroom? The Instagram account “Cosmo Sex tips” has got your back, girlfriend! Looking to secure your troubled relationship? Try coating his and your body (including his privates!) with “a thick layer of superglue” before making love. “When he realizes he’s stuck to you, lean into him and sexily whisper “Dreams do come true, big boy. Now we’ll always be together.’”
@cosmosextips/instagram
If you’re in need of a naughty nature rendevous, try the “Psychedelic Fur.” First, lace a glass of Pinoit Noir with the hallucinogenic peyote and serve “to your man.” Next, go out on a night hike and hunt a brown bear. Finally, “skin it, get naked and drape yourself in the fresh pelt. Rawrrrr!”
@cosmosextips/instagram
Or, if you really want to make things “hot and heavy,” why not “take the massage south of the border and slip your lubed up, Icy Hot? finger into his butt.” (This tip is aptly called the “Chilly Willy.”)
@cosmosextips/instagram
Don’t worry, Cosmo Sex Tips isn’t real (or for the faint of heart). It’s a parody of the dizzying array of inventively, sometimes perplexing, named sexual moves found within the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine. It’s so searingly funny because even though ideas like giving your significant other a “customized dreidel butt plug” as a “sexy” Hanukkah gift might seem ludicrous, it’s in the neighborhood of possibilities that the actual pages of Cosmo might suggest in its typical you-go-girl bravado. (See the mag’s creative use of pool floats, hot wax or staircases.)
@cosmosextips/instagram
The handle’s founder and author, Lara Marie Schoenhals, got the idea to lampoon sexy pearls of wisdom while reading Cosmo and other lady mags down in Mexico for her 30th birthday. “I was with a bunch of friends and were LOL’ing about all the tips being so ridiculous,” she said. There, the idea to post the most nonsensical, extreme advice possible — paired with milquetoast stock imagery of happy couples laughing and cuddling—was born. “I think whenever you do something satirical there is a chance that someone will take it seriously. About 10-15% of first-time followers think it’s real, but then they quickly learn that it’s not,” she said, adding, “I would love if someone thought it was real and they would try and replicate some of the tips.”
Related: 14 Things All Guys Want to Hear in Bed
In just over a month, Cosmo Sex Tips has amassed over 12,000 followers. “The thing I love the most is that girls tag their boyfriends and sometimes boyfriends tag their girlfriends,” she said. “I love thinking about couples having that sense of humor between them where she feels comfortable tagging her partner in something like using a chloroform-soaked rag to knock him out and then tattooing a picture of your vagina on his back.”
Schoenhals, who is 30 and lives in Los Angeles, is no stranger to spoofing the psychology of the modern female psyche in popular culture. She is a co-author of the satirical novel “White Girl Problems,” based on the popular Twitter account. More recently, she serves as a host and founder of the podcast “Pumped,” a weekly meeting of the minds centered around the assorted drama from the reality-TV show “Vanderpump Rules.” (Guests have included Ariana Madix and other actual characters from the series.) A common thread between all three projects, she said, is a whacky balls-to-the-walls shamelessness from depictions of women in media that is, in an odd way, empowering. “I think that a new type of persona is coming out more — people letting their freak flag fly and doing ‘them’ at all costs,” she said. “People respond more to that than a perfectly-manicured fashionista character who is giving you an image that isn’t necessarily real or raw.”
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