Getting Intimate with This Summer’s Hottest Celeb Swimsuit

Kylie Jenner in Agent Provocateur’s Dakotta. Photo: @kyliejenner/Instagram

The celebrities have spoken, and the unofficial swimsuit of summer 2015 is… The Dakotta by Agent Provocateur! The super-slashed up black maillot—which, frankly, looks impossible to even put on—has graced the bods of Kendall and Kylie Jenner (on separate occasions, natch), Jessica Simpson, and British model/WAG Abbey Clancy, all in the span of a few months. It doesn’t come cheap, either: This tiny item of barely-there clothing will set you back $450.

We first came across The Dakotta when Kendall Jenner wore it while hanging out with Marcel the monkey for her Allure cover shoot in March. Four months later, her sister Kylie snapped a sexy selfie (what else?) wearing the same suit. Also in July, Simpson Instagrammed a #flashbackfriday photo showing the singer sporting the style, along with a cardigan, on a yacht… and finally, Clancy donned the one-piece while posing for a photoshoot in Majorca, Spain this past week.

Simpson in the suit. Photo: @jessicasimpson/Instagram

Needless to say, my interest in the pricey swim getup was piqued—particularly due to the fact that all four of the famous women who’ve worn it have very different bodies. I was intrigued. As in, I had to try it on and see, for myself, why everyone’s gone so crazy for the Dakotta. I was nervous, yes… but I was ready.

As a regular-bodied person who spends an average of maybe one hour per week in the gym, trying on an item of clothing as skimpy as this one (and knowing very well I’d then have to post a photo of it online for this article…) was beyond intimidating. I generally steer clear of swimwear with cutouts, which tend to squeeze my hips into the types of rolls that’d make most women run to their local Spanx retailer.

But as soon as I got myself to an Agent Provocateur boutique and squeezed into the Dakotta, all that fear flew right out the dressing room door. Sure, it was a little tough figuring out which holes to actually put my legs though (this swimsuit has a lot of holes)—but once I did, my vocabulary became instantly reduced to one word, and one word only: DAMNNNNNNN!

My half-assed Kylie Jenner impression. I <3 you, Dakotta.

To my absolute elation, it actually looked OK! I couldn’t believe how flattering one stretchy, black, stringy thingy could be. It held everything in place, with no wires or corseting involved. Plus, no side bump-age. It was magical. And despite the fact that I’d recently had a mental breakdown over my ever-expanding homegrown laptop stand (i.e. my tummy), I felt pretty confident. Putting my real-life clothes back on after the fact was a mega downer, to say the least. No wonder all those famous girls have gone gaga for it.

Unfortunately, I ended up leaving the store without my precious Dakotta. In the end, my rational side took over, and I decided it was just way more money than I could justify spending on something that, as an NYC resident, I could only wear a few times a year… and definitely never around my family. Something tells me that might be a little bit awkward.

But I’ll never forget you, fair Dakotta, and those 10 or 15 minutes we shared together while I took about 25 mirror selfies in that small, poorly lit room while the sales associate waited outside. If that time meant even half to you what it did to me, then it was not spent in vain. You’ll always be the sexy, slightly skanky—and certainly spendy—swimwear of my dreams. And I hope those Jenner girls treat you well.

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