Is Social Media Ruining Our Sex Lives?
This week’s disturbing news that 60 or so famous women including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Kirsten Dunst were hacked and their intimate, nude photos released on the Internet is beyond cause for alarm. I should know, it’s happened to me.
When I was 15 and hosting a television program in England, a topless picture of me was published without my consent in a U.K. magazine. I was young and impressionable, and the incident began a spiral that eventually took me to some pretty dark places. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my angst-filled teenage diaries were also stolen, sold to a tabloid, and serialized like a Jackie Collins novel. It was one thing to be having sex, which I was, but it was another for the entire country to know about it in intimate detail. I was publicly shamed and tormented, which had very damaging long-term effects. It took me years to recover from having my private life publicized in ways that I never wanted. I have nothing but empathy and compassion for the women who have experienced this violation.
When I heard about these images being leaked (the act of which even Forbes has labeled as a “sex crime”), what struck me most (aside from the moral breach) was that none of the high profile names were those of famous men. Surely it’s not just women who want to photograph their sexcapades and body parts? Surely here is a double standard if there ever was one? If these ladies are doing it, then I’m pretty sure that a number of everyday women are too.
Some of the women that we’re talking about are girlfriends of mine, and knowing them as well as I do, I would put money on these girls’ not having said, “Hey buddy, can you snap a pic of your come all over my tits?” Or, “Put your dick in my eyeball and send me a pic of that, will you?”
Which leads me to my next question.
At what point did it become normal and even expected for women to be willing to have their sex lives, their most intimate body parts and fluids, documented?
Sure, erotic imagery and literature has been around since the beginning of time, but the latest technology has changed the playing field. What used to be written in a private journal is now captured on camera and shared via social to create a permanent record that can never be erased. Even though we all know this, the compulsion to “share” all aspects of our lives has clearly overridden common sense and is causing chaos in many homes. Parents are able to track what their kids are really up to. Lovers are able to spy on their significant others (should those persons be foolish enough to post their activities—looking at you, Anthony Weiner!). I know men who share snaps of their sexual conquests online to gain the praise of their peers and satisfy the morbid fascination of their coworkers.
So, what to do then? Should we all stop being playful for fear of being humiliated? Can women, famous or otherwise, be safe online?
One school of thought is that modern-day media is so saturated with images influenced by porn that explicit selfies have become de rigueur. The evidence is everywhere, from fashion advertising to music, film, and TV. We now have the biggest stars in Hollywood upping the ante when it comes to provocative imagery. Just look at the new album covers for Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj, both of which prominently showcase their famous derrières. There may be 20 years between them, but the message is the same: the more you reveal, the more attention you’ll receive. And at the end of the day, those divas want to be at the top of the Billboard charts. Sex is today’s ultimate currency.
The problem I see is that the bar keeps getting lower and lower because we’ve all seen so much more than we would have 10 years ago, before anyone could scroll through a limitless menu of porn preferences on their iPhone 24/7.
Mind you, I do not think that all porn is wrong. In fact, I’m so fascinated by the culture that surrounds it that I’m planning to do a documentary. A couple of weeks ago, I posed a question on my site about the effect that porn is having on our lives. The response was an outpouring of emails, from girls as young as 15 to women in their 40s. The stories varied from those who watch porn privately to those who watch only with male lovers, to others who feel guilty for liking porn. Refreshingly, still others suggested that porn made by women for women seemed to have the best story lines and actually focused on the female orgasm! Not the norm in today’s market.
The whole point being that photographic expression of your own sexuality can be a beautiful thing, but only if it is consensual. Leaked nudies and the resulting stigma is the most public version of slut shaming. This horrendous invasion of privacy delivers a disturbing message. Women cannot be sexual without severe consequences. It’s an entirely different game for us ladies, and these stolen images are the ultimate reminder.
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