Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Is Selling All of Her Stuff

illustration by Stephanie Jones

Photo: Steve Eichner

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the lovable Lohans of Long Island, hasn’t it? Almost to the point that I’ve missed that wacky clan, always gettin’ in scrapes and scuffles, pickles and jams. What the heck are you up to these days, Lohans? Oh. Oh dear. Nothing good.

The latest, according to TMZ, is this: Dina Lohan, dragon of mothers, is selling all of her daughter’s stuff, and her daughter isn’t happy about it. No, not Ali. Ali doesn’t have any stuff. I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan, of course, the lead in this thousand-act O’Neill play. Dina is selling Lindsay’s stuff in some sort of “online flea market,” according to TMZ. Trouble is, I can’t find this online flea market. I mean, I’m no Internet detective. I barely know how to use the Light Web, let alone how to scour the murk of the infamous Dark Web, where Dina is undoubtedly conducting her insidious business, lurking in the shadows, whispering come-ons to prospective buyers. So I can’t find it, but TMZ says it’s happening—maybe just on eBay, which I’ve never used once in my whole holy life—which, sigh, means it’s probably happening.

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And just what stuff of Lindsay’s is Dina selling? TMZ says it’s “clothing, furniture, artwork, etc.” Hm. O.K. Clothing, sure. It is no surprise that Lindsay, who some Internet whisperers have branded something of a hoarder, has excess clothing lying around that could be worth cash. I mean, there have to be some nostalgic fashionistas out there who are interested in the hot lewks of 2007, right? And furniture? Sure, you know Lindsay Lohan has a spare ottoman or two. What confuses me, though, is the artwork part. Not that I don’t think that Lindsay Lohan has artistic interests. I’m sure she does! I’m just wondering what artwork of Lindsay’s Dina could have her hands on at the moment. I’m thinking a couple decorative mirrors and a few framed Le Chat Noir posters? That sounds about right, doesn’t it? Which, hey, fine. We’ve all been there.

It’s important to reiterate, by the way, that TMZ says that Lindsay is NOT happy about this. Not one bit. Reportedly she’s trying to shut down Dina’s dark bazaar, and might potentially involve the police. (Oh, the Long Island police! How entwined with this family they must have become! What a long, strange relationship. How they must regard the Lohans, with a mix of exhaustion and fascination, a weary disapproval bumping up against a wary kind of care. Can someone write a novel about this? Some sprawling suburban epic? I’d read that. Would you read that? Why don’t you go ahead and write that … Tom Perrotta? He’d be good at it, probably. Go write that novel, Tom. Called, I dunno, The Family Police or something much better than that. I’ll buy it!) Lindsay, again this is all according to TMZ, says that the stuff Dina is hawking is worth millions, and her mom is just trying to cash in because she’s broke. Dina has an upcoming gig on Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K., but that is not enough. She needs more, but Lindsay does not want her to have more if it means selling all her stuff. Which is fair.

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My last question about this whole sad saga, and then we’re done, I swear, is if the fact that this stuff is/was owned by Lindsay Lohan is a selling point. Is it being used as one, and is it working? Here, in the year 2015, when we are all older and perhaps even wiser than we used to be, are there enough of us out there, shuffling around this beautiful blue marble, who would pay a premium, or pay anything at all, for something simply because it was once owned by Lindsay Lohan? Once touched her skin, once held her weight, was once manipulated by her hand, was once appreciated by her eyes? Who out there among us, all of us on Earth, is still invested in such an idea? Maybe no one! Maybe Dina is selling this stuff without the Lindsay tag attached. But that doesn’t really sound like her, does it? Ignoring a connection to Lindsay Lohan is not something that Dina Lohan has done for nigh on 20 years. So why would she start now, with this ghoulish garage sale? So I’m just curious how well it’s doing. That’s all. I’d really like to see some receipts.

If this sale is happening at all, of course. Who knows who TMZ heard this from (probably Dina?), and who knows what is really going on in that haunted home on Long Island. Or in Manhattan. Wherever Dina Lohan is living now. Whatever Dina Lohan is doing. We may never know for sure.

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