Mike Huckabee Thinks Jay Z is Pimping Out Beyonce

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee just published a book called God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy about all things that start with the letter “G,” like an episode of Sesame Street that no one really wants to watch. Huckabee’s been in the spotlight since running for president in 2008, and then again in 2012. Now he’s testing the ground for a possible run in 2016 by engaging on a no-holds-barred publicity campaign against… Beyoncé.

Seriously.

Huckabee’s taken a long hard look at the world and decided that Beyoncé—and more specifically, Queen B’s sexuality—is the number one enemy of America’s children. (And if you believe that children are the future, then she is, by default, America’s number one enemy.

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First reports of Huckabee’s staunch anti-Beyoncé stance reached the public last week, when U.S. World News & World Report published this excerpt from his book, about Beyoncé and Jay Z’s performance of “Drunk in Love” at the Grammys: “She is a terrific dancer—without the explicit moves best left for the privacy of her bedroom,” he continues, “Jay Z is a very shrewd businessman, but I wonder: Does it occur to him that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?”

Aren’t we over complaining about a pop star’s “vulgar” dance moves? Madonna endured enough whining to free up a lifetime of other pop stars being able to writhe about onstage without consequence. Also, Jay Z is the guest-star on this track, so if anyone’s doing any exploiting in this song it’d be Beyoncé, who is in capital C-control, graciously allowing her husband to share in this moment. Huckabee accusing Jay Z of “being a pimp” is incredibly offensive, not in the least because it takes Beyoncés sexual agency away from her.

Related: ‘Beyoncé Feminism’ and ‘Rihanna Womanism’ Are College Course Topics

Not content with these bon mots, a few days after the book excerpts were published, Huckabee accused President Obama and the First Lady of being bad parents for allowing their daughters, Sasha and Malia to listen to Beyoncé, calling her music “mental poison.” To further drive this point home, the ex-governor made an appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart last night and it took little prodding for him to spew off more anti-Bey thoughts. Like that weird friend who starts a conversation with “I’m not racist but…,” Huckabee preambles his comments by declaring what a “great singer” she is before reinforcing what a bad role model the pop singer is with the nonsensical question, “Do you know any parent who has a daughter who says, ‘Honey, if you make really good grades, someday when you’re 12 or 13 we’ll get you your own stripper pole?” Because if a grown woman chooses to dance on a stripper pole in her music video, she’s the patron saint of stripper poles everywhere, and will only encourage stripper pole dancing by women of all ages, all around the world. In fact, Beyoncé’s legacy will surely be the popularization of the stripper pole in every teenage bedroom from now until the end of time.

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Or it would’ve been. Good thing Huckabee’s on the scene so we won’t have to worry about our daughters’ futures anymore. Thank God (and Guns, and Grits, and Gravy).