From Bruce to Caitlyn: How to Properly Address Transgender Topics

Today, Katie Couric sat down with Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair writer Buzz Bissinger and stylist, Jessica Diehl to discuss the release of VF’s July 2015 issue. To our surprise, Bissinger openly admitted to cross-dressing, his shopping addiction (which in part, landed him in rehab), and his estimated $600,000 Gucci clothes, which are now for sale on Ebay: “I’m getting about 10 cents to the dollar,” he said. But for being so well versed in transgender topics (his Vanity Fair articled clocks in at 22 pages) “coming-out,” Bissinger seemed to stumble on his pronouns when discussing the transition from Bruce to now Caitlyn Jenner. He might need to brush up on his etiquette.

Transgender visibility has come a long way in recent years, with the Orange Is the New Black actress Laverne Cox making the cover of Time and the Amazon series Transparent winning a Golden Globe. But Jenner would be the biggest star to come out as transgender, making him a hero to many, but also a tabloid target—one already photoshopped his face onto an actress’s body for the sake of selling covers.

Trans issues are still new territory to many people. A Pew Internet study reported that 90 percent of Americans know someone who is gay or lesbian, but only 8 percent of us know someone who is transgender. In hopes of answering some questions and preventing any gaffes, we put together Do’s and Don’ts of transliteracy.

If you find out someone is trans, be supportive, but don’t smother them.

“The best way to do this is not to make a big deal, or any kind of deal,” says Steven Petrow, the Civilities columnist for the Washington Post and the author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners. “If a person is coming out to you about their transition, give them a big hug and ask how you can be helpful.”

Do use the pronoun that corresponds with their name and the way they dress, not the one they were born with.

Simply put, if you’re introduced to a Rachel, use “she,” and if you’re introduced to a Tom, use “he.” If you don’t know which pronoun to use, “try to avoid pronouns at first and see if it becomes clear during the conversation which pronoun the person would like used,” says Nick Adams, the Director of Communications & Special Projects for GLAAD. “You can ask, ‘Which pronouns would you prefer?’ and most of the time that is polite. If you make a mistake and use the wrong pronoun, apologize simply and then quickly move on. Over-apologizing just makes everyone uncomfortable.”

Don’t ask probing questions about their background, the name they were born with, or surgeries they may have had.

Respect someone’s privacy. “Once a transgender person has transitioned and is living as his or her authentic self, disclosing information about one’s birth sex can be disempowering. It can cause others to stop seeing your authentic self and, for example, say of a transgender woman, ‘Oh, that’s really a man,’" says Adams. “Therefore many transgender people treat the fact that they are transgender as private medical information that is only shared with people who can be trusted to understand that a transgender man is a man, and a transgender woman is a woman. Because transgender people can be very private about disclosing that they are transgender, it’s not polite to ask intrusive questions about hormones, surgeries, birth names.”

Realize that confidentiality is important.

While there is a growing number of trans people in the public eye, like Chaz Bono, Janet Mock, Laura Jane Grace, and Lana Wachowski, that isn’t the case for all trans people. If someone tells you not to share information about their gender identity, respect that, says Petrow. “A good rule of thumb: Don’t out someone as trans.” Nick Adams notes that outing someone can, unfortunately be dangerous. “Transgender people are twice as likely to be unemployed, four times as likely if they are a person of color. On average, one transgender woman is murdered in the United States every month. Outing someone as transgender can literally have life-and-death consequences.”

Don’t give backhanded compliments.

“There are certain things that cause most transgender people to cringe,” says Adams. One of them is ‘You’re so pretty, I would have never known you were transgender. Which is just another way of saying, “I thought all transgender women were ugly.” Or “You look just like a real woman.” Which implies that a transgender woman is something other than ‘real.’”

Don’t freak out over bathrooms.

Over 50% of transgender people report being harassed or insulted in public restrooms. “Are they wearing a dress, make-up, and earrings? You should point them toward the women’s room,” says Adams. “I’d say: ‘The bathrooms are to the back and the left,’” says Petrow. “Of course, this is why gender-neutral restrooms are such a great idea.”

Related: Kendall Jenner Denies Making Comments to US Weekly About Her Dad’s Transition

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