Why Would Someone Plan a Secret Wedding?

Photo: Corbis

When we heard last week that Scarlett Johansson and fiancé Romain Dauriac were already married in a secret wedding in Montana, we started asking around if anyone besides a celebrity would plan a secret wedding.

Is it just the idea that an intimate event should remain private, and away from prying paparazzi lenses? Or are there other non-prying reasons that a couple may want to say “I do” under the veil of secrecy?

For Cara and her then boyfriend Raymond, who is originally from Germany, a secret wedding was the solution to his work-visa issue. “Raymond’s company was going to transfer him out of the U.S. so they didn’t have to deal with his visa,” Cara tells Yahoo Style. “So instead of being apart we decided to marry in secret in 2009.”

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The couple, who lived in California, hired an officiant who helps couples – many of them well-known names – with filing a confidential marriage license so that even through an Internet search no one would discover their secret. “I just searched online and found this guy who seemed really cool when I spoke with him on the phone. He handled all the paperwork. It was super easy,” says Cara. On the day of the wedding they met him on a beach in Malibu, grabbed a stranger standing by to act as a witness, and got hitched.

But not every couple planning a secret wedding is living out a scenario similar to Andie MacDowell and Gérard Depardieu in the ‘80s film Green Card, though Cara and Raymond did get pulled into INS for similar questions. (And in case the INS is reading this: they are still happily married and finally told their parents.)

For Lauren and Josh, a secret wedding was a matter of logistics. The New York-based couple was planning a destination wedding in Barbados in May 2007, and a legal ceremony in the Caribbean country was going to be a hassle and an expense they didn’t want to deal with, so their officiant suggested they get married before they leave for their wedding.

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Instead of having to spend time away from family and friends during their wedding weekend, the couple invited a few friends for a secret ceremony two weeks before the wedding. They never told any of their other guests that the ceremony in Barbados was simply ceremonial.

“We got married on the steps in a simple ceremony and then went out to dinner,” Lauren remembers. “Our parents didn’t know, and I don’t think my parents even know now.”

Like most couples who get married before heading off to get hitched abroad, Lauren and Josh celebrate their anniversary on the date of their destination wedding ceremony, not the day they legally said, “I do.”

Wedding officiant JP Reynolds told Yahoo Style of two recent weddings he performed in secret. “This past July I married Nora and Nick who were visiting Los Angeles from England. They were each twenty-one years old, and decided that while they were in LA they would elope.”

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The couple wed on a hiking trail in Coldwater Canyon, which the bride discovered through a Google search of “hiking trails in LA,” giving her the rustic look she had envisioned. They hired a local photographer to capture the ceremony, and to make the day feel more like a wedding Nora wore a white cocktail dress from H&M and carried a bouquet. Nick, in khakis and a dress shirt, wore a boutonniere. They arrived via Uber.

“They decided to elope without telling anyone because they didn’t want to deal with the objections of their parents who thought they were too young to marry, though they’d been together for over three years,” JP explains. “They also liked the romance of just taking off and beginning their married life on an adventure.”

Photo: Corbis

For older couples looking to avoid family drama, having a secret wedding can be the ideal option. “I married another couple, each in their 60s, who between them had been married five previous times,” JP explained. “This time, they wanted the day to be just about them, and they didn’t want to have to deal with the objections of their grown children.” The couple chose an exclusive resort in Laguna Beach, had an intimate ceremony, luxurious dinner, and then went on a month-long cruise.

Another reason a couple may opt for a secret wedding is for the stress-free planning it offers. When Midi and her boyfriend decided to get married they knew their busy work schedules would keep getting in the way of their plans. Midi shared with Yahoo Style that they had to decide between getting married and not telling anyone, or plan something small. “Why should it be that hard to commit to one another? We didn’t want all the commotion, and all that mattered was the two of us and our commitment to each other.”

A few days before New Year’s Eve in 2006, the couple started inviting a few friends to attend their wedding, and asked another to officiate. “In the end, the ones that made it were the ones that mattered most in our lives, ” Midi adds.

While family members were upset because they felt intentionally left out, the couple have no regrets. “Nobody fussed over colors, money, the food being served, or the music. It was simply about love and why we were there. It was short and so sweet.”

So how does one go about planning a secret wedding? Should the bride wear white? Should you hire a florist? Order a cake?

The secret to planning a secret wedding is keeping it a secret. Darcy Miller, Editorial Director of Martha Stewart Weddings, explains, “To keep a wedding a secret, make sure it is totally clear to everyone involved, from wedding vendors to any guests, that it is a confidential event. You might even want to ask vendors to sign a letter of confidentiality.”

“And remember to keep your guest list short,” adds Harmony Walton, owner of The Bridal Bar in Southern California, who has worked with celebrity brides and grooms from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley. “The fewer people that know the less likely a leak will occur. That goes for wedding vendors too. The fewer you meet with and hire, the better the chance of it remaining totally private.”

Another way to keep the marriage a secret is to avoid mentioning or hinting to it on social media. Don’t update your Facebook status to ‘engaged’ or ‘married,’ or Instagram trying on a wedding-day outfit. “If you do have a few guests at the wedding and want to keep it private, be sure to state your preferences about social media loud and clear,” adds Darcy.

After you’ve been secretly married, when and how do you let the cat out of the bag?

Well, if you’re a celebrity you probably wait for someone with an extremely powerful zoom lens to catch the tan line your wedding band left during your tropical honeymoon. But if your every move isn’t being tracked, there is some protocol to follow according to Anna Post, co-author of Emily Post Wedding Etiquette, 6^th Edition. “If you have children you should tell them first, and then your parents, siblings and grandparents. Anyone who should hear it from you should not learn about your new married status through a Facebook post.”

“Be aware that when you tell your parents they may be hurt that they weren’t included, so be ready to talk about why you had a secret wedding, because they’ll probably want to know.”

When Angie and Mike finally told their parents six months after their impromptu wedding in Las Vegas, they knew they would be upset. “We didn’t tell them right away because we didn’t want to come back from a lovely getaway to a negative situation,” Angie explains.

The couple decided to get married after walking by a chapel during their Vegas vacation in 2012. “It wasn’t planned,” she adds. “It was very intimate and mellow.”

After their announcement, their parents insisted on having a celebration at home but the couple refused. “We don’t want all that attention,” said the bride who unlike most Millennials doesn’t share her life on Facebook.

But for couples who are more comfortable with an audience, a post-ceremony reception may be the best way to make it up to mom and dad.