The 15 Most Ridiculous Things People Say on a Plane

(Graphic: Ryan McCullah)

“Betty“ is a real-life flight attendant who has had enough.

You think you’ve got it bad when your inflight entertainment conks out, the Pixie-Stix addicted kid behind you mistakes the back of your chair for a vertical trampoline, and the plane runs out of “Good Morning Sunshine” cheese boxes? That’s child’s play. Welcome to Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant, a Yahoo Travel series where “Betty” describes the harrowing, real life situations she and her comrades in the sky face every day, 35,000 feet away from a foot massage and premium whiskey.

This week Betty tells us the 15 most ridiculous things she has heard on the plane.

1. “Do they pay for your hotel rooms?” I love this one. Can you imagine if the whole crew was staying in different places and the junior people were grabbing a park bench to sleep on, or couch surfing in their uniforms? Yes, the airline pays for hotels and arranges transportation to and from the hotel. Otherwise, every flight would be late while we figured out where so and so was staying.

2. Where are the lines between the states? You would be surprised how many people think there are actual lines between the states like on a map.

3. On night flights we will go through the cabin with trays of orange juice and water. Passengers will look at the tray and say: “Which one is the orange juice and which is the water?”

4. “When do I change the time on my watch or will it change itself as we go?”

5. “I don’t mean to scare you, but something out there has been following us for hours!” It’s the light on the wing.

6. We ask, “would you like cream and sugar in your coffee?” and they hesitate like it’s a difficult ‘Jeopardy’ question.

7. It takes years before you realize you can answer people’s questions with the wrong answer and they never know the difference. When they ask what river they are looking at, I always say Mississippi—no matter where we are in the country. Same thing with the circular irrigation circles you see in farm areas. “What are those circles out there?” Private helicopter landing pads.

8. What country is Hawaii in?

9. We point to where the bathroom is and the passenger just stands there. I’ll point to it again and they will say “it’s vacant.” They have no idea what the word vacant means, I guess we really shouldn’t use such fancy words like vacant.

10. “Have we landed yet?”

11. “Do you have a writing pen?”

12. We no longer have pillows in the economy cabin. A passenger asked me for a pillow and I told him they were discontinued. He asked “were people choking on them?”

13. “How do I move my seat forward?”

14. “When did you guys start wearing uniforms?”

15. On the customs and immigration form it says: Sex M-F. Passengers will ask if it means how many times they have sex Monday to Friday!!!

For more “Confessions” s ee Part I and Part II of Betty’s firsthand account of Ambien Zombies on the plane.

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