‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Recap: Hell Is For Children (and Junkies)

The first thing you should know about Lady Gaga’s performance in the premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel is that at one point she wore pasties, a thong, and razor claw that she used to slice a lover’s artery before drinking from it. Second, she said nearly 100 percent of her lines audibly and articulately. Third, she’s a pretty good actress? You know what, delete that question mark, Lady Gaga is a good actress! She didn’t have a ton to say during this premiere episode, but I am telling you, every time she was on camera she had a sort of electric presence that, while not being anywhere near the unhinged pathos Jessica Lange brought to the series, absolutely paid off and that is the truth. Welcome to the fold, Lady.

What is also true is that I have zero idea of what this season is even about. Except for Freak Show’s surprisingly comprehensible opening, most seasons of this series have thrown a pile of random horror elements at us as if to say, “Here, YOU make sense of this.” But each past season has had at least a little cohesion: Murder House was about ghosts; Asylum was about ‘50s-era monsters, demons, and paranoia; Coven was about female drag queens; and Freak Show was about a girl gang (?). But in the absence of any obvious (for now) theme, the most I can say about Hotel is that it functions as a sort of steroided-out spin-off of Murder House. It’s set in modern Los Angeles in a truly cursed building containing trapped souls and even features a character from the first season (Marcy the Realtor!). But instead of the ghostly limbo of Season 1, this hotel seems to be a literal hell populated with kidnapped children and junkies turned blood-drinking immortals. Maybe? I’m not sure! Ask me again later.

But again, like any season of this thing, it always comes down to which classic horror movies Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk will lovingly dissect and repurpose to create this depraved potpourri. According to this premiere, Hotel is a mashup of The Shining, Se7en, The Hunger, and Twin Peaks, but it’s far less funny than any previous season, and far, far more disturbing. And that was probably the right choice for this go-round, now that Scream Queens has staked its claim on horror comedy for the time being, and Freak Show was rarely as scary as it was probably meant to be. Long story short, Hotel is a show that you should probably not attempt to watch while eating.

Can we please talk about “Checking In” now? Because damn.

We started in downtown L.A. where two Swedish tourists had just arrived for the vacation of a lifetime. (They were going to go on the Fast and Furious ride later that day.)

Here they are. Don’t they seem nice? They will die soon.

Here’s the inside of the Hotel Cortez, which is located on a street with a lot of foot traffic but the lobby is nonetheless deserted always. One thing we all need to acknowledge is how gorgeous and expensive the set design in this season looks. I can even forgive the pervasive fish-eye lens because it seems like the D.P. just really wanted to show as much of the set as possible. It’s truly awesome, and having watched this premiere twice now, this is a setting I really DO want to spend time in. A++

Here’s Kathy Bates, she works at the front desk and she is MEAN.

Here’s Mare Winningham as the maid, she has a funny accent. It’s not clear yet if straight guys will look at her and see a buxom hottie like in Murder House, but if that happens then we better at least see Wes Bently cry-sterbating also. Fair is fair.

Here’s a beaded glove that tried to grab the Swedish lady’s hair when she was getting ice.

Here’s a gentleman that was living in the mattress. He seemed chill, but the Swedish tourists were NOT into it.

Here’s a lady hanging out in the opening credits. I saw her at Home Goods once.

So after the Swedish tourists complained about the ghoul sewn into their mattress they were given a newer, nicer room. But one of the added amenities was the pair of blonde children who drink human blood. To me that would not be a great upgrade. Get out of my bathroom!

So after the Swedish ladies had been properly terrorized, we were whisked away to a swanky penthouse apartment where a very disgusting crime scene was getting investigated. Basically a woman and man were forced to do sex with super glue on their junk and then she got staked to death and he had his eyes and tongue ripped out. See, the above pic was probably supposed to be shocking but it was actually the cutest thing I saw all week. It looks like a skateboard company logo! Awww.

Meet John Lowe, a troubled but handsome detective trying to track the serial killer who did this. He’s the kind of guy who works long hours in order to avoid his wife, but still reads bedtime stories to his daughter over FaceTime. Plus his eyebrows are wildly geometric. I think he’s supposed to be the main hero of this season, but don’t quote me on that.

Sorry, fella. It’s only Thursday.

Back at the hotel, Max Greenfield from New Girl was showing off his new blonde hairdo and needed a room to shoot up in. So then he went upstairs and did drugs, and guess who showed up? This guy:

Now, this sequence was extremely disturbing and was edited quickly, but I will spare you the freeze frames of the, uh, equipment this individual was wearing in his groinal region. But suffice it to say that it was not fun or entertaining when this creature climbed up onto blonde Max Greenfield and began thrusting. Okay? Trust me when I say this.

Then crimped Sarah Paulson walked in and began whispering to blonde Max Greenfield to tell her that he loves her in order to stop the dildo demon from, uh, nevermind. Anyway, blonde Max Greenfield told her he loved her then his eyes turned black and my guess is he is now trapped in this hotel forever. Like maybe crimped Sarah Paulson is some kind of grim reaper or devil or something. Anybody’s guess!

Here is Liz Taylor, played by the great Denis O’Hare. Liz Taylor is a handyman and desk worker and as you can see is very glam.

Here are Matt Bomer and Lady Gaga out on a date at a cemetery screening of Nosferatu. I live in Los Angeles and have been to one of these and my main question is what street did Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer park on? Probably not on Santa Monica Boulevard, those meters are always taken. Maybe they parked up on Bronson or over by the Paramount lot? That’s kind of a walk though. Anyway, they made sex eyes at a nearby couple and suddenly they had the most explicit orgy this side of an HBO Real Sex episode.

Then of course, at the end Matt Bomer and Lady Gaga slashed their partners’ throats and drank their blood. Truly disgusting and repugnant but also strangely sexy? I mean, it involved naked Matt Bomer, so pretty difficult to be mad. (But seriously, kudos to Lady Gaga for committing to such a harrowing scene in her first TV stint! Just a sticky nightmare.)

Then the two Swedish tourists from earlier were locked in neon iron maidens and Kathy Bates tried to force-feed them milkshakes made of oysters, kidneys, and rosé. I am not sure why. Then crimped Sarah Paulson came in and got in an argument with Kathy Bates, who stormed out, then crimped Sarah Paulson released one of the Swedes who then ran into the lobby where Lady Gaga slit her throat with a stainless steel pinkie nail. Yes, it all made perfect sense, why do you ask?

Then Wes Bentley took his daughter to a crime scene where she discovered two disemboweled dudes hanging out. In my opinion he should not have brought her to this crime scene, but I guess he thought his wife was in danger or something and rushed there. But then again, Wes Bentley did not have a great track record for keeping his kids safe, as we later learned that one of them plum disappeared a few years earlier:

But guess what? That same child now lives at the hotel! Which Wes Bentley discovered during a visit and he thought he saw his missing child running in the hallways. Also, look at Chloe Sevigny’s hair:

She plays Wes Bentley’s wife, and their marriage is falling apart due to the fact that one of their children went missing and he is currently playing a personal game of cat and mouse with a gruesome serial killer. Both things can really affect a marriage.

So then a rich gay fashion mogul and his son arrived at Hotel Cortez with their Realtor (Marcy from Season 1!). Apparently he had bought the hotel and was now the new owner and intended to live in the penthouse suite. But guess who was already living there?

Naked Matt Bomer! Lady Gaga was slightly nicer about having new owners (I honestly thought SHE was the owner? No? Just the manager maybe?). Like, she offered to give the guy a tour of all her contemporary art pieces, while also showing the guy’s son where all the cool kids play.

Look at this awesome rec room!

There are candy dispensers and tons of video games and a comfy couch! All those white-haired devil children look like they’re having a blast, too, even Wes Bentley’s missing son. Anyway, I would honestly love to hang out in this room all day, so if this is hell, sign me up.

In a flashback we learned that crimped Sarah Paulson had been a junkie who shot up with Matt Bomer, but his mother Kathy Bates was mad about it and ended up pushing crimped Sarah Paulson out the window!

So yeah, she was definitely dead, but it wasn’t clear if she was trapped in this hotel (like the ghosts in Murder House) or if there was a different supernatural prison system working here. But Matt Bomer was stuck there too for whatever reason, and Kathy Bates was working the desk just so she could see him more.

Also, in the flashback, when Kathy Bates got back to the room, Lady Gaga was in her Born This Way attire and was already so horny for Matt Bomer on account of his bone structure. No further questions here! I’m not sure if this flashback offered any concrete answers, but it definitely hinted at a larger story and mythology at work here. But what? Nobody knows.

Then Wes Bentley made a very good decision: He decided to MOVE IN to the hotel! This was because he had spotted his son here earlier, plus he needed to stop putting his still-alive family members in danger, plus the serial killer seemed to be connected to this hotel somehow. So yeah: this was his new home. It will probably work out great for him, don’t worry.

Is there anything even to say about “Checking In”? It’s easy to anticipate what haters might say about Hotel, as they’ve been sort of saying the same thing about every season for five years now. But since delusion dictates that I behave like I’m a constant outlier, it behooves me to say this: American Horror Story remains a very f*cked up, fascinating, audacious, nearly punk rock upheaval of modern “peak television” convention. And Ryan Murphy’s divisiveness remains something to be treasured. At the height of his creative powers he’s delivering this certifiably unsafe piece of entertainment to a national audience, and he’s enlisted one of the best casts on television (and pop music!) to do it. Is Hotel going to be a good time? Probably not! Will it stoke actual, fear-soaked anxiety in us? Oh god, hopefully. That’s what we’re here for, right? Indelible nightmare imagery divorced from the comfort of logic? Bingo. Let’s doooo this.

What did YOU think of “Checking In”?

American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.