‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Recap: Ladies of the Nightmares

To love American Horror Story is to live like you’re constantly defending it. Even when nobody’s saying anything, we’re still reflexively shutting down haters. “American Horror Story isn’t messy, it’s unconventional!” we shout at pigeons. “It’s a celebration of horror in a world that rarely shows it any critical respect!” we scold a nearby hedge. “There has never been a better assemblage of actresses at the tops of their game than on this show every season!” we shout at our shoes as we walk on the side of a freeway. But it’s that last notion that critics distressingly overlook all too often. No one in good conscience can claim that actresses of a certain age are rich with job opportunity, so why are high-minded dullards so eager to write off a series that has become nothing less than a celebration of actresses of all stripes? If someone wants to tell me that AHS is irredeemable trash, then they’ll have to look me in the eye and tell me they don’t want to see Angela Bassett holding a shotgun on their TV every week. Try again, liars.

Guys, I liked what Hotel had offered up these past few weeks, but it turned out those episodes were merely an overture for the opera to come. Where the pilot offered snippets and tone poems of what Hotel MIGHT be about, this week “Mommy” gave us actual character work and depth. In allowing Chloe Sevigny her own interlude, Kathy Bates an award-worthy breakdown, and Angela Bassett a hero’s entrance, this show doubled down on the humanity of its characters and the result cemented my feeling that this could shape up to be AHS’s best season yet. Yeah, I said it.

Let’s talk about this episode!

We began with Tristan roaming the halls, just trying to show off his dewy new vampire complexion. But I guess Lady Gaga was still asleep, so he had no choice but to go chill with the serial killer ghost he’d met last week. Yes, I’m talking about this dude and his maid:

The ghost of the former building owner showed Tristan his “black closet” which was just sort of a closet with a spike in it, and then he began complaining about how the hotel had been taken over by scum and weirdos, and would Tristan please do something about it?

He had come to the right person, because Tristan was in the mood for murderin’!

At this point the episode segued into a sort of mini-sode all about Chloe Sevigny’s character, Alex. Via some actually very affecting narration, we learned that her missing son Holden had been the only person she had ever truly loved, and his very birth had changed her in ways she hadn’t expected. When he was kidnapped from the carnival, she was so devastated that she had no choice but to ruin the bathtub grout.

Tough stuff. But a great example of how a seemingly throw-away character (who had barely anything to do in the first episodes except wear an amazing up-do) became so suddenly multi-dimensional and sympathetic. Sure, she was still cold and stand-offish, but man, you kinda had to feel for her. This lady knows what I’m talking about:

That’s right, Naomi Cambpell was still staying at the hotel even though, as a Vogue editor, one would assume she’d have better options? Like a Sheraton or something? Anyway, I think she was there to help the owner pick out fabric samples or whatever who cares. The important thing was, within ten seconds of getting into her unmentionables and washing her face, ghosts and demons were running around the room a ton. And to make matters worse, when she lay down onto her bed, THIS guy popped out of the mattress and stabbed her to death with a pair of scissors!

But, you know, as someone who had appeared in both Michael Jackson and George Michael videos, Naomi Campbell had probably seen worse. As for Blonde Max Greenfield, I guess he had been fully alive in that mattress (whatever Hypodermic Sally did to him didn’t involve actual death) BUT when Wes Bentley tried to take him to the hospital, he immediately flatlined. Something about the hotel was keeping him alive until that point. The mystery deepens!

Speaking of Wes Bentley — who I suppose has finally earned the right for me to call him by his character name, John Lowe — he reported to the scene of another Ten Commandments-themed serial killing! This time it was the entire staff of a gossip website, all shot in the head and with their tongues nailed to desks. Between this and the Oscar blogger, it feels like maybe the AHS writers aren’t huge fans of online media? Let me know, guys.

So then Tristan decided that he wanted to murder Cheyenne Jackson by seducing him and then stabbing him in the neck. But just before the second part happened, Lady Gaga stopped him with one of the most dramatic head-shakes in television history:

Something tells me this wasn’t the first psychosexual murder she’s prevented. Preventing psychosexual murders is sort of one of her main hobbies.

After John Lowe had had that run-in with Blonde Max Greenfield, who got blood on John Lowe’s suit and then died in the hospital for no reason, he questioned Hypodermic Sally about what the heck had gone on in that hotel room. But their conversation wasn’t nearly as cute and emotional as their late night chat sesh last week: This time he threatened to arrest her and she licked his nose and also gave him a surprise handjob while a faceless demon breathed on him.

Then they made out a lil and a strobe light made everything dizzy and suddenly he was in the lobby again looking real confused. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect to happen at a Travelodge, not a fancy hotel, but that’s why this show is so spooky.

This scene between Donovan and his mother was one of the most heartbreaking mother-son scenes since, I don’t know, Bambi? That was a sad one right? Depends on how you feel about venison I guess. Anyway, now that Donovan was being kicked out of the hotel, his mother just wanted to move into an apartment with him in Santa Monica, but then he hissed in her face that he hated her, has always hated her, and after some back and forth they both agreed that she was probably better off just committing suicide already. This scene was A LOT to handle (and Kathy Bates’ performance was straight-up stunning), but please do not send a YouTube clip of this to your mother next Mother’s Day. She will not enjoy it and you will both feel bad about it.

After he stormed out of the hotel, Donovan went outside and ate a couple of junkies down on skid row. But when he tried to attack a stranded motorist guess what happened? He got TAZED BRO. Because look who was out vampire hunting:

YES, THAT’S RIGHT. Angela Bassett had finally, FINALLY arrived. Ever since she joined this franchise in Coven she’s been maybe my favorite actress on the show so I’d been sort of nervously waiting for her to get here. And she’s here! And it was worth the wait. We will talk about it in a sec.

So then Lady Gaga decided to seduce Cheyenne Jackson even though he’s a gay homosexual. But she was VERY confident in her power over gay men, which was maybe something Lady Gaga had experience with IRL. Unfortunately, their weird tryst was interrupted when Tristan ran in the room and yelled at everyone. Lady Gaga then informed Cheyenne Jackson, “By the way, you’re hard,” and then went downstairs to the lounge where she explained to Tristan that she was broke because one time she gave all her money to Bernie Madoff. Yes, THAT Bernie Madoff.

So her new plan was to marry Cheyenne Jackson and take all his money, Debbie Jellinsky-style. And let me tell you something, Tristan was FINE with this idea.

So then Alex dropped by wearing a chic new hat and she brought some divorce papers. Obviously John Lowe didn’t love this idea, even though it had been HIS idea to straight-up move into a haunted hotel rather than live with his family. (What was even the original reason for this again? To keep his family safe from the serial killer? By leaving them alone and unprotected? I honestly don’t know.) Anyway, she gave him a sleeping pill and then he tried to make out with her and asked her to please make another baby (gross) so of course she ran out of there. In the hallway she encountered the ghost of Naomi Campbell but also a tiny vampire who looked exactly like her son!

It appeared as though Alex was now probably going to be spending more time in this hotel, in my opinion. I just hope the ghost of Naomi Campbell snatches that hat off her head, because none of us are in the mood for that.

Okay, like I was saying: Angela Bassett! As she explained to a tied-up Donovan while she ran his blood through a dialysis machine for some reason, back in the ‘70s she’d been a famous B-movie actress who used to do things like this:

But when her career started going nowhere and she was considering sleeping with producers to get ahead, she crossed paths with a certain immortal blonde with bisexual leanings:

And she was turned into a vampire and they ended up dating for like 15 years! But then the ‘90s happened, and we all know how the ‘90s went.

Ramona Royale had fallen for a dude who looked like he might have been an extra in the “Shoop” video, so when she tried to turn him into a vampire, Lady Gaga shot him in the face with his own gun. That’s the way love goes sometimes. In other words, it was a bad breakup, and now Angela Bassett was devoting her life to ruining Lady Gaga’s.

Ramona revealed to Donovan that her new goal was to rescue and/or kill the vampire children that Lady Gaga had made, but when he informed her he no longer had access to her boudoir Ramona got so mad and kicked him out. But back to my main point: Angela Bassett is THE BEST. An already great season just got so much better.

The episode culminated with Hypodermic Sally agreeing to help euthanize Iris. Even though Hypodermic Sally hated Iris for murdering her that one time, she seemed very cool with the idea of shooting Iris up with tons of heroin and wrapping a plastic bag around her face. But I loved when she made Iris promise to not become a ghost when she died. If only we got to choose!

Fortunately for Iris, just as she was dying, Donovan ran into the room and rescued her by pouring his blood into her mouth. He’d had a change of heart about her, apparently because Liz Taylor had reminded him that nobody will ever love him like Iris does. Which, okay? Anyway, much to Hypodermic Sally’s chagrin, Iris is now going to be a vampire. Exciting right? She’s great, and Kathy Bates is even greater. I really love this show.

“Mother” was this season of American Horror Story: Hotel getting real. Real emotions, real themes, real payoff after weeks of setup. As fun as this show’s sense of discovery can be, the true reward is in seeing these amazing actresses (and actors) going big and sticking their landings. That is a mixed metaphor, I apologize, but I do not apologize for loving what this episode accomplished. If ever this season needed to prove that it was more than the sum of its homages, it was this episode. And it did. So good.

What did YOU think of “Mommy”?

American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.