‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 7 Recap: Swiss Dismiss

Warning: This recap for Episode 6 of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.

Long time no see, rose lovers! In an amazing show of restraint, Team Bachelorette did not make us watch a new episode over the Fourth of July holiday, so it’s been two whole weeks since we last saw Rachel and her man harem. And all of a sudden, we’re just ONE WEEK AWAY from hometown dates! Man, time flies when you’re watching people make out on TV.

This week, the “journey” moves to Geneva. Rachel, dressed head-to-toe in white, floats into the guys’ hotel room “like an angel,” gushes Adam. The guy who brought the doll really hopes he’ll get a one-on-one this week, and he’s actually got a semi-decent chance: Rachel announces there will be three one-on-one dates this week, a group date (presumably with some poor suckers going home), and no rose ceremony. Sounds perfectly awkward. Let’s get to it!

All of that said, Bryan gets yet another one-on-one date, because Rachel has clear favorites and she doesn’t care who knows it. “Curveball, dude!” grunts Adam, who obviously hasn’t been paying attention.

Not only is Bryan getting another date, he’s getting the reverse Pretty Woman date! “When I’m in a relationship, from time to time I like to treat my man,” notes Rachel, like a g-d boss. “But never have I treated a man like the way I’m going to treat a man today.” So get in the rented Bentley, Bryan, cuz mama’s gonna take you on a shopping spree!

Naturally, the first thing on Rachel’s list is an expensive Swiss watch, so she and Bryan head to (promotional consideration provided by) Breitling. The watches here are SO fancy, the sales dude has to wear black ninja gloves while placing the timepiece on Bryan’s wrist.

The Bachelorette picks out a black-and-silver watch for her man, and is delighted to hear that it suits his style. “I like black,” says Bryan, prompting a giddy “Do you?” from Rachel. (You walked right into that one, bro.) And rather than being intimidated when Rachel announces that she’s buying them both expensive matching watches, Bryan is so happy he tackles her.

“This is a forever gift,” he gushes. “I’m so happy right now, I can’t even describe it.” Matching watches are a pretty big commitment — looks like Bryan’s gonna make it to hometowns. Get ready for your free spinal adjustment, Papa Lindsay!

Knock knock knock! The Accent Table of Doom is at the door! Who will get the next one-on-one date?

Sorry Adam, but you and Adam Junior will have to spend another night crying into your Chardonnay, because the second one-on-one date goes to Pretty Boy Dean! “Don’t punch me in the face,” he pleads sheepishly.

That long face, by the way, is because Dean’s a little nervous about the prospect of having Rachel meet his family. “The relationship that I have with my family is not the best,” he explains. Unfortunate for him, good for us (should he make it to hometowns, of course).

Hey, did I mention that Rachel and Bryan’s date is still going on? Now they’re at dinner, and the Bachelorette is grilling her date about his childhood. Fun fact: Bryan’s mom sent him to an all boys’ school because he wanted to get his ear pierced. Gross fact: When Bryan finds out Rachel wore a uniform at her private school, he asks her to describe it in a creepy, What are you wearing? kind of way. Save it for the Fantasy Suite, cowboy.

The conversation eventually veers into more serious territory, as Bryan relates the sad tale of his last relationship, a “passionate,” “hot-and-heavy” romance that burned bright — until the woman decided she didn’t like Bryan’s mom and dumped him because of it. I don’t know about you, but I can barely see the screen right now through all the red flags waving in my face. The woman told Bryan she dumped him because of his mom? Either his ex is a real jerk or his mom is … a handful. We have got to meet this mom. Come on, Rachel — give Bryan the date rose already!

Thank you. I could have done without the uncomfortably long scene of Bryan and Rachel making out while a string quartet averted their eyes and played from adjacent balconies, but I know Team Bachelorette has two hours to fill.

Dean’s date is up next, and he should feel honored because Rachel’s taking him somewhere she once took Nick on The Bachelor: church! Unlike last time, though, it’s all in French and Dean is not the only white person there.

After the service, Rachel and Dean take a stroll through the quiet streets of Old Town, and though it’s peaceful and beautiful, Dean is struggling with a lot of “internal conflict.” Will Rachel still want to invite him on a hometown date once she learns of his “awkward family dynamic”? Peter doesn’t think so. And I’m only saying that in order to have an excuse to show you this picture of Peter looking FINE in his salt-and-pepper sweater.

Anyhow, back to Dean’s date. The Bachelorette wants to get down to business and learn more about her handsome young escort, but Dean keeps deflecting with giggles and goofiness. “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” he asks Rachel, and then follows it up with “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” And she does NOT love it.

“I need Dean to not be so jokey and deepen our relationship,” says our exasperated Bachelorette, who’s beginning to worry that she’s going to have to “say a really, really hard goodbye tonight.” Come on, Dean — get it together! Do you really want to be sent home before this guy?

(Seriously, who is that guy and why is he still here?)

At dinner, Rachel wastes no time telling Dean that “something was off” about their date. “I need to see the other side of you,” she continues, and finally Dean starts to Open Up? about his feelings. “My family is not gonna be the family that you want to see,” he says. After his mother died, Dean says, his dad “wasn’t able to flip the switch and become that person that I needed him to be.” And then comes the true heartbreaker: “What I wish you could see is the family that I had in my most developmental years … and not the family that abandoned me at, like, the most vulnerable time in my life.”

Ooof. But good for Dean for finally spitting it out. Rachel assures him that she’s not going to judge him based on his less-than-conventional family situation. “You’re not here by accident,” she adds. “I feel like I have a much better understanding of you.” Dean gets the rose, and now I want fondue.

Two roses — and four men — left, folks! Peter gets the final one-on-one date of the week, which thankfully involves a helicopter. (Everybody drink!) They chopper over Lake Geneva to the Swiss Alps and land atop Glacier 3000, which sounds more like a nightclub than a natural phenomenon, but that’s not important right now. As Rachel and Peter climb aboard the waiting dogsled, I couldn’t help but wonder: Where the hell is Copper?

Once the puppies get a break, Rachel and Peter sit in the snow and talk about their feelings. Peter admits to being “in his head” for a while, especially since his last one-on-one date was so long ago. “There’s definitely been some dark days throughout all this,” he admits. “And in those bad days it’s like, ‘I’m not sure if I want to stay.’ But I always figured that connection that we built on the very first date was enough to get me through.” Awww, that’s sweet. Also, how cute does Rachel look in this hat?

As night falls, Team Bachelorette gives us the same “Rachel still has questions about Peter” song-and-dance, because otherwise this date would have no suspense. Naturally, they chat about past relationships; though he’s never dated a black woman before, Peter has total confidence that his family won’t have an issue with meeting and welcoming Rachel into their home. The most interesting part of Rachel and Peter’s dinner conversation is his story about the last time he saw his ex-girlfriend — because that’s where the “she’s got tears streaming down her face, and I blame myself for that” quote used repeatedly by Team Bachelorette in the promos came from. So good news: Peter didn’t make Rachel cry. Bad news: Duped again!

More to the point: Peter is consistently honest about how he’s feeling, telling Rachel that he thinks he’s ready to love again, and promising her that if he makes it to the end but still has “reservations,” he’s not gonna propose just because that’s what producers want him to do. (I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.)

Weirdly, Rachel finds this honesty “scary,” because I guess she’d rather have a guy hell-bent on proposing after eight weeks than one who wants to take a more reasonable approach? Sigh — as much as we love our Bachelorette, we must remember that anyone who agrees to be the Bachelorette has fundamentally flawed judgment.

Just give him the rose, girl.

Group date time! The date card warned Eric, Adam, and Matt that the outing “will be difficult,” so the guys are understandably a little anxious about the day. “I’m gonna bring my best self,” says Eric, “but it’s just not a very comfortable feeling going into a group date.” Especially a three-on-one group date that will end with two guys getting the boot.

But everyone on this date is a grownup, and so they all go into it determined to make the best of it. Everyone climbs aboard a boat headed to France, where they alight on the grounds of the Chateau De Coudrée for champagne and a series of one-on-one talks. Eric’s up first: “You do something to my energy when I just get happy,” he tells Rachel. I feel like a sucker saying this, but Eric does seem like a happier guy now, and I teared up a little bit when he said, “Something inside of her is making me open up and just be. I’m changing.”

It’s Matt’s turn next, and though Rachel says she has a “soft spot” for the construction manager, I think we all know this guy — who does seem like a genuinely sweet dude — is not making it to hometowns. Rachel knows it, too, which is why she’s now crying.

“It’s meant so much for me for you to be here,” she tells him through her tears. “I hate to say goodbye to you like this.” They share a weirdly long goodbye kiss, and then it’s Reject Van time for Mr. Matt, who is gracious to the end. (“I still really want the best for her.”) Poor Rachel is grieved, but she knows her heartache is not over yet. She still has to get through Dinner for Three.

The Bachelorette insists she doesn’t know whether she’ll give today’s final rose to Adam or Eric, but … really? Does anyone actually doubt that producers kept Adam around this long because they didn’t want to stop playing Where’s Waldo with Adam Jr.? Bless his heart, Adam sure thinks he’s still got a shot. “I feel like there’s something there,” he tells Rachel. “It’s really special.” It’s clear Rachel is moved by Adam’s optimism and his genuine enthusiasm for her, but … she’s still kind of freaked out by the doll. When Adam recalls their visit to a park after the mud-wrestling date, when he and Rachel lay down on the grass and looked at the sky, the Bachelorette whispers under her breath, “And AJ was watching in the trees.”

As for Eric? Well, his one-on-one chat with Rachel is notable for a few reasons. First, it’s intense, as Eric does not sugarcoat his upbringing in Baltimore: Drugs and crime were “the norm”; his uncle went to prison for 50 years; he’s watched “family members get high”; some of his friends have been “killed in the streets.”

But even more powerful than Eric’s honesty is the fact that this notoriously homogenous network reality show is now spotlighting a young African-American man from a disadvantaged background who grew up to be a responsible, likable member of society. So, baby steps?

Back to the date. Having concluded her talk with both men, Rachel returns to the table to issue her verdict. “I have such strong connections and feelings for both of you,” she says. “The only thing that I can do is go with my gut.” And her gut says…

Sorry, Adam, but it looks like you and AJ are destined for a plane back to the States. The saddest part about this whole goodbye is that Adam Jr. was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he’ll turn up in Paradise?

Welp, rose lovers, we’re down to four. Do you think Rachel sent the right guys home? Who do you think is the guy to beat? And why did any of us doubt Dean when he referred to his dad as “eccentric”?

Yeah, that “this season on” promo was jam-packed with crazy moments. But we’ll have plenty of time to discuss those in the coming weeks. Let me know what you thought about this week’s episode, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog right here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go thank my husband for never, ever pooping with the door open.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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