'Dancing With the Stars’ Premiere Recap: Shaken, Not Stirred
A bizarre off-camera incident near the end of Monday’s Season 23 premiere cast a harsh shadow of fear over what is typically an uninhibited two-hour joyride.
Dancing With the Stars fans held their collective spray-tan-infused breath as two men wearing anti-Ryan Lochte tees rushed the stage during judge Carrie Ann Inaba’s critique of the Bad Idea Olympian’s foxtrot.
Kudos to host Tom Bergeron for maintaining his composure and to the security team (blurred, above left) for its swift handling of the potentially violent, not to mention offensively inelegant, protesters. T-shirts! In this, the most glamorous setting in the universe! The whole thing is just despicable. Shame on those misguided rabble-rousers for committing casual-ty in the first degree. They’ve been rightfully banished from Planet Mirrorballus forever.
Now let’s move on to the performances, so that a few dum-dums with crap moves don’t get all the attention on a dance show.
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Laurie Hernandez and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 31/40 “She’s spicy, man. It’s cool,” said Val, trying to keep even-keeled under the intense pressure of partnering with a newly minted American treasure. He needn’t worry (though he will anyway and it’s one of the reasons we love him): The duo’s snappy, powerful cha-cha wowed the judges and provided sorely needed crowd relief from the lingering Lochte-down tension.
The smiley Olympic gymnast and Mr. Hips have perfectly matched energy —and, now that Val has abandoned products, they have the same hair. It’s a win-win.
James Hinchcliffe and Sharna Burgess: 31/40 Sharna never met a jewel tone she couldn’t stun into submission, and her sartorial boldness rubbed off mightily on Indy 500 driver James. The two identical crayons delivered a “knockout” foxtrot, according to head judge Len Goodman.
“If you’re this good at Latin — oh, my God, we’re in for a treat,” cried Bruno Tonioli following a series of rhythmic grunts that seemed to be loosely based on the rumblings of a race car.
Marilu Henner and Derek Hough: 27/40 Six-time mirrorball champion Hough is back, and no one’s a bigger fan than his partner. The Taxi actress generously compared Derek to Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Bob Fosse, and Sting. “I would have said Jesus, but: trouble,” she added.
Derek thanked Marilu by dipping back way farther than she ever could during what Bruno called a “barnstorming jive.” But give the lady time: It’s only Week 1.
Jana Kramer and Gleb Savchenko: 27/40 The country-music artist and One Tree Hill actress sure lucked out with Gleb: Back in the U.S. after competing on the Russian version of Dancing With the Stars and the U.K.’s Strictly Come Dancing, sexy Savchenko can’t help but turn even a Viennese waltz into what Bruno rapturously called “an X-rated fantasy.” No complaints here. These two look both trashy and expensive, and I’m loving it.
“I wasn’t transported to Old Vienna, I’ve gotta tell you that,” offered Len, killing the vibe. “For me, it was pitched a bit funny.” We’ll take his word for it.
Kenny Edmonds and Allison Holker: 26/40 Fiendish fitness hero Allison is back after baby No. 2, so now there’s a third Babyface in her life. The 57-year-old music icon dedicated his foxtrot to his late mom, who would have loved to see him — as Carrie Ann said — “right at home in the ballroom.” The dance was a little bouncy and hectic, according to returning judge Julianne Hough, but she sees potential in the “timeless and classic" Babyface.
If he can manage to ditch the absurd duckface, anything is possible.
Calvin Johnson Jr. and Lindsay Arnold: 26/40 The former pro footballer with the brightest and most infectious smile judge Juli has ever seen wants to do better than Jerry Rice on this show — which I found to be a charmingly low-key way of announcing to the competition: “Step aside, future losers. You’re looking at the winner right here.” It’s that nonchalant, disarming confidence that helped him rise above what could have been the most distracting game-changer of the night: the loose strands of hair in Lindsay’s face throughout the cha-cha.
“Got this. I’ll just effortlessly dip her to the side. Looks great.”
Vanilla Ice and Witney Carson: 25/40 “I’m gonna humiliate myself to my own song,” Vanilla Ice (real name: Rob) realized in horror while frantically rehearsing a cha-cha set to “Ice Ice Baby.” If he’d ever seen the show, the rap legend would have taken heart: Humiliating yourself to your own song is an esteemed rite of passage for any DWTS contestant who wants to make it past Week 1. Or to think outside the gem-encrusted tissue box a bit, any celebrity in general.
“STOP,” said the Don’t Walk sign. “Collaborate, and listen to ballroom lore.”
Terra Jolé and Sasha Farber: 25/40 The first little person to compete on DWTS just wants people to say, “Terra did great. End of discussion.” Well, this Little Women: LA star also had a baby six weeks ago — so I’m definitely not focusing on her height. I’m focusing on what a trouper she is while simultaneously wondering if she’s crazy.
“The first day, within the first five minutes, she inspired me,” raved Sasha, who took advantage of his sudden towering-by-comparison stature with some flying somersaults and sweeping lift-hugs during/surrounding the jive.
Ryan Lochte and Cheryl Burke: 24/40 Their foxtrot, set to Michael Bublé’s cover of “Call Me Irresponsible,” was supposed to be about forgiveness. “This is my second chance, and I don’t want to blow it,” muttered Lochte ahead of their mediocre performance in a sweaty confessional, his face twitching ever so slightly à la Robert Durst in The Jinx. Clearly the Olympian’s intended forgiveness theme was lost on his stage-swarming attackers.
Is it wrong to partially blame Lochte’s ill-fitting white suit? Probably. Oh well, everything’s wrong anyway.
Amber Rose and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24/40 "I’m back for my 15th season,” said one. “I was an exotic dancer,” one-upped the other. Just relax, kids. You’re pretty much the same character, and this is gonna be fun.
Hmm. Explicit sex act? The foxtrot? Who can tell? Certainly not DANCMSTR Goodman (because his eyes are burning).
“Amber has a very unique set of curves,” Max carefully pointed out while subtly complimenting himself. And later, during training: “You know what’s happening in the back?” he asked Amber. “I AM. I GOT YOU.”
Expect this Battle of the Butts (in a stunning twist, they’re on the same side) to go on for at least six weeks.
Jake T. Austin and Jenna Johnson: 22/40 First-time pro Jenna is the same age as Jake, a former Wizards of Waverly Place actor and the voice of Diego on Go, Diego, Go. I almost lost my tenuous grip on reality after typing that sentence, but the pointy-fingered hands on Jenna’s boobs just lured me back in. They are that compelling. Still, a close call.
Anyway, these two purple-hued heart monsters are both 1994 babies, and apparently this makes them a perfect showmantic match for Season 23. I’m not buying it, but I likely won’t have to for long — their jive was a mess.
Maureen McCormick and Artem Chigvintsev: 22/40 Can you feel Eve Plumb’s eyes rolling from across the planet? The former eldest Brady sibling breathed new, sparkly life into “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” with her tearful take on just about everything DWTS-related. Good thing Mama Carol (ballroom standard Florence Henderson) was on hand to talk down her TV daughter with a fierce “You were fabulous. I’m so proud of you” ***MOM MOMENT*** post-Viennese waltz.
“They’re happy tears!” Maureen insisted. You know what? I believe her. I believe in her, too. #sparklebarf
Rick Perry and Emma Slater: 20/40 Let’s not beat around the burning bush: Rick’s cha-cha was the worst. I’m glad he got a corn dog out of it, and there’s nothing quite like a Texas state fair built within a Hollywood ballroom. But those fives were generous. Most of their routine was Emma making “Oops, you caught me being sexy” faces whenever he messed up.
It was a lot.
See you next Tuesday to discuss Week 2. Erin Andrews promises it’ll be an extrava-gonz-ah!
XOXO,
Fringe Fairy
Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
