‘The Bachelor’ Episode 7 Recap: Going Deeper

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for Episode 7 of The Bachelor.

Remember that time Nick realized that agreeing to be the Bachelor was a huge mistake, and he walked off the show — leaving a gaggle of heartbroken women behind him? Yeah, me neither. Even though Team Bachelor did their best to make it look like Nick disappeared into the night after last week’s romantic bloodbath, this week — after some dramatic hand-wringing — it was back to business as usual.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

There’s only one man who can pull Nick and his harem out of their funk.

Lord Harrison, High Priest of Heartbreak! Please, sir, put Nick’s head on straight. He meets the Bachelor at the beach, where they have a heart-to-heart in a patch of shade. “Are you ready to quit and walk away from all this?” asks the host, knowing full well what the answer will be. Though Nick tells Harrison that “part” of him is ready to quit, the next thing we know, the Bachelor is back in front of the “ladies” with a message … which he’ll deliver right after this commercial break. [pause]

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 7

And we’re back! Nick, you were saying?

And there was much rejoicing among the women — especially when Nick proposes canceling the rose ceremony and heading straight to Bimini. Corinne’s so happy she nearly pulls an Olivia.

Wait, so if they’re canceling the rose ceremony from last week, does that mean we’ll be back on schedule and tonight’s episode will end with a rose ceremony as God intended? Fingers crossed, folks.

And we’re off to Bimini, yet another Perfect Place to Fall in Love?. Kristina whips out the date card and reveals the first one-on-one of the week: Vanessa! Corinne, who helpfully reminded us just a few minutes ago that she’s the only one in the group who hasn’t had a one-on-one yet, can’t contain herself. “Wow,” she snaps. “You lucky bitch.” I think Vanessa says it best: “Well then.” Yeah, let’s just move on to the date.

Wait, did Vanessa just say she’s never been on a boat before? I mean, I know Québec isn’t a coastal city but there is a rather large river running through it … so not even a ferry ride? Maybe she just meant first time on a yacht, which is how she phrases it later. (I spent a good 3-5 minutes puzzling over this, so thanks for that, Team Bachelor.)

Speaking of the “ladies” talking trash:

So, you don’t see much depth to a special needs teacher who, among other things, speaks three languages? Oh gurl, just don’t. Rachel is too kind to point out the delightful irony of Corinne’s statement, but her face says it all. This woman’s going to be a good Bachelorette.

Meanwhile, Nick and Vanessa are going “deeper,” as per the date card’s instructions.

To be fair, things do get a little deeper emotionally during dinner, when Vanessa “opens up” in a classic Bachelor fashion: “I feel confident and comfortable enough to tell you that I am falling in love with you.” Though earlier Vanessa told us she was “excited to see his facial reaction” to her declaration, it’s unlikely she could see much of anything from this position:

“I really, really like you,” replies Nick, after they’re done smooching. He’s not going to use the l-word, he goes on to explain, until he’s with the last woman standing. “If I’m lucky enough to say ‘I love you,’ I want to feel like in a way I’m saying it for the first time.” This is definitely not what Vanessa wants to hear — especially because she was certain up until this moment that Nick was in love with her. “It confused me,” she sighs. “I thought my relationship with Nick was very different compared to his relationship with everybody else.” Cheer up, honey. At least your hair is still on point.

The next day, it’s time for the final group date — and, Raven explains, it’s the only opportunity to get a rose this week outside of the ceremony (whenever that happens). Much to Corinne’s chagrin, she’s joining Kristina and Raven on the three-on-one, which begins — where else? — on a yacht. Nick marks the occasion by donning his shortest swim trunks yet.

Because Team Bachelor is always game for a heavy-handed metaphor, Nick informs the “ladies” that their date activity will involve swimming with sharks. (Because women, amirite?) “Are they toothless?” wonders Corinne. No, honey — but if you’re lucky these sharks will be friendly, like Jabberjaw. Kristina’s worried, too, but Raven’s all I got this, y’all. “I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me,” she drawls. “And if the other two girls get eaten today, I will definitely be in the running to get the rose.”

Sure enough, as soon as they all jump in the water, Nick spots a decent-sized shark swimming around beneath them. Kristina was the first to bail, because she has common sense, and Nick follows to make sure she’s OK. This irks Corinne to no end. “I just feel like I’m on Kristina’s date today,” she whines. And she still feels that once the cocktail portion of the date gets going and Nick pulls Kristina aside to talk first. Oh, did I say talk? I meant cry again.

Because it’s the week before hometown dates, there’s a lot of talk about families and how nervous Nick is to meet them. “I if I were a brother or a father meeting me, knowing my story,” he tells Raven, “I’d have a s***-ton of questions.” Heads up, pal: The sisters and moms probably aren’t going to be too thrilled about you either. More importantly, though, we learn that Raven’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago — which is why she quit law school and moved back home. So yes, Raven the “fashion boutique owner” was at one time studying to be a lawyer. She certainly has the killer instinct for it. (See shark date, above.)

When Corinne finally gets to sit down with Nick, she decides to express her anxieties to Nick by talking about herself in the third person: “I haven’t had that one-on-one full time with Nick to really lock Corinne in with Nick.” The Bachelor reassures her in his mumbly way (“You’re doin’ something right”), and then they make out a little bit. Corinne walks away from their chat feeling like she’s “made up for lost time,” but in the end the date rose goes to Raven. Is that a human tear I see forming in Corinne’s eye?

Nick whisks Raven away for a beach concert with this dude. “Tonight couldn’t be more perfect,” he says. Yeah, tell it to these two, buddy:

Two one-on-one dates left! Up first is the Last Danielle Standing. They kick things off with a bike ride about Bimini, and then Nick lets himself get schooled in basketball by some local kids. During a beer break the talk turns to (what else?) hometowns, and Nick seems unusually uncomfortable and awkward. “Right now Danielle and I seem to be struggling [to have] a more natural conversation,” explains Nick, who’s feeling some pressure to “get things back on track.”

He tries to do it at dinner, but at first Danielle is as soft-spokenly vague and laconic as ever. I mean, she does have a good reason to be hesitant — “The last time I was in love with someone, they died” — but surely Danielle knows it’s time to step things up a notch, right? Eventually she spits a few things out, like, “My heart is very open to you” and “I care a lot about you,” but they can’t change the fact that Nick sees their relationship as a “friendship” and nothing more. And so it comes to this:

Though she’s very hurt, Danielle handles the situation like a lady (no quotes), allowing Nick to walk her out and telling him, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” She heads back to her hotel room to pack up and say a tearful goodbye to the other women. Corinne is so rattled by Danielle’s abrupt elimination that she decides to take matters — and perhaps Nick’s anatomy — into her own hands.

Yes, rose lovers, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Platinum Vagine Time! “I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm,” Corinne informs us boozily. To Nick, she lets him know “I’m here for you,” and then leads him into the bedroom for a little closed-door make-out session. “What do you have in mind?” asks Nick. She wants to play Scrabble — what do you think, dude? (What a maroon.) “Let’s dive into bed,” Corinne replies, before giving Nick these cryptic-yet-sexual instructions: “You have to have two hands on at all times. Never jiggle. Lightly massage.”

“I’m very attracted,” mumbles Nick, before putting the brakes on. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Corinne is understandably mortified, but she has no one to blame but herself. “This is so terrible,” wails Corinne. “Everything went wrong.”

We’ll leave Corinne to agonize over whether she’ll get a spot at hometowns so we can join Nick’s (now totally moot) one-on-one date with Rachel, already in progress.

This time, Nick has no trouble making conversation about hometown dates. Rachel responds to Nick’s coded question — about whether he’s “similar” to other guys she’s dated — with this very direct answer: “I’ve never brought home a white guy.” But she insists that it won’t be an issue with her family, and that Nick just needs to be himself. “They know that I’m smart, too,” she adds. “I love sports, but I don’t play games.” And he LOVES it.

And just like that, Rachel heads back to the hotel. Man, Rachel doesn’t even get dinner on her date? What a rip-off.

Just when it seems like yes, we are going to get a rose ceremony tonight, Nick makes this declaration: “With the woman I’m going to be sending home, I care about her a lot. I want it to be in a personal and as private way as possible.” In other words, “You’re not wanting to wait for a rose ceremony,” replies Harrison, translating. And with that, Nick strolls sadly over to the women’s hotel suite to break the news to the unlucky bachelorette in “private.”

“Where’s Kristina?” he asks. Arrrrrrrgh — of course Nick’s keeping Corinne over Kristina. If he made good decisions, he wouldn’t be on The Bachelor. And God, it is totally heartbreaking to watch Kristina realize she’s about to be dumped.

“I have such a love for you,” Nick tells her, sadly. “But right now I don’t think there’s the ‘in love’ [there]. … I feel like there are stronger relationships inside the house.” While Kristina isn’t about to let him off easy — “You didn’t give me a fair chance,” she insists — Nick holds firm, telling her he doesn’t want to put her through hometowns and overnights, all of that rigamarole, when he knows he’s going to pick someone else in the end.

UGH, I HATE WATCHING KRISTINA CRY! Especially when it’s clear we’ll most likely have to see her cry again in Paradise — it’s not like Team Bachelor is going to let a beauty with a backstory like hers disappear into anonymity.

As for what’s next for the remaining four women, naturally we’ll have to wait until next week to find out. Though Harrison teases that “you won’t believe what Nick decides” to do, something tells me that yes, yes we will. As for the mystery woman who returns to “confront” Nick? Sorry, Team Bachelor, but I’m not gonna bite.

For now, rose lovers, let me hear from you. Are you surprised Nick sent Kristina and Danielle home? Do you think Corinne is definitely safe? And of course, what do you think about ABC’s decision to tell us now that Rachel will be the Bachelorette? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch this moment on repeat:

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of The Bachelor for free on Yahoo View.