‘The Bachelor’ Season Finale Recap: A Bachelor No More

Warning: This recap of the season finale of The Bachelor and After the Final Rose contains spoilers.

Was this a successful season of The Bachelor, rose lovers? Well, I suppose it depends on how you define success. Did it star a universally beloved Bachelor? No. Did it beat last season in the ratings? No. Did it result in two people finding true love and the key to a lifetime of marital bliss? Unlikely. But did it bring us a dolphin-shark, a platinum vagine, and the first black Bachelorette? Yes, yes it did. Congrats, Team Bachelor, on another successful season! (Read Chris Harrison’s blog about the finale right here.)

Our final episode begins in Rovaniemi, Finland, the difficult-to-pronounce home of Santa Claus and place where Nick will join his family to discuss — for the last time, we hope — which TV girlfriend he should marry. And of course, Nick’s poor mother, Mary, is already getting emotional.

“So, do you have a favorite?” mom asks, hoping against hope that her televised torture at the hands of her fickle son will finally come to an end. Of course, the answer is no. (“Going through this whole process as parents was, at times, excruciating,” says Nick’s dad, bluntly.)

Though Raven assumes the Viall clan will be “super protective” of their twice-brokenhearted boy, they are their usual polite and soft-spoken selves. Bella remains profoundly huggable as she quizzes her roller rink buddy: “Do you love Nick?” Upon hearing “yes,” Bella is sold. “I hope he picks you,” she says sweetly. “I mean, I haven’t seen the other girl yet…”

Yeah, she’s not joking. After that it’s on to Mary, and boy is it painful to watch this poor woman navigate her way through yet another heart-to-heart with yet another potential daughter-in-law — all the while knowing the odds are her son will be “blindsided” yet again. But Mary makes the best of it and says that Raven has clearly affected Nick “in a positive way.”

Okay, Vanessa — your turn! The emotionally exhausted family welcomes her warmly and smiles politely as she recounts her “I barfed and Nick held my hair” vomit-comet story. “I was surprised at what a caregiver he is,” she tells them. “It was a feeling that I’ve been searching for, for the last three years…” Vanessa, getting emotional, trails off, and everyone sits in awkward silence for a few seconds until Nick’s sister scolds him: “Nick, this is when you chime in, and you finish it up.” Dude, seriously? This is your FOURTH go-around. Get it together!

When Vanessa sits down with Mary, she assures her that she loves Nick very much, but she’s also seeking a little reassurance: “What if we’re not ready” to get engaged, she asks. “What if there’s still so much for us to learn about each other?” Though you’d think Mary would be thrilled that Vanessa thinks she and Nick might need more than six weeks to make a decision about getting married, Mary seems a little taken aback by the question instead. “I hope you get your answer,” she replies quietly.

Nick’s sister Maria is more direct: “I feel like you have questions, and I would say, ask them,” she tells Vanessa. “Because it’s the only time.” Indeed, it seems like Vanessa has nothing but questions, like she’s hoping Nick’s family will be able to tell her how to feel about the whole situation. “Do you think that love is enough to make a relationship last?” she asks Nick’s dad, Chris. And when Vanessa doesn’t get the answer she wants — Chris says making a relationship last requires “sacrifice” and “selflessness” — both she and Chris get emotional.

“Vanessa really convinced me that she loved him,” reports dad later. “But there was a little bit of fear that she would hurt Nick.” That’s a note producers have hit often on this episode — what if the woman Nick chooses rejects him??? — but we know better than to fall for that, rose lovers. Oh God, could someone please get Mary a tissue? She’s tearing up again, poor thing.

Hugs all around, and Nick’s family bids him farewell and sends him off to two final Last Chance Dates. (Is it me, or did those family visits seem awfully short?) Anyhow, first up is Vanessa, who meets Nick back in Lapland for some intense discussions about the future — with a side of horseback riding through the snowy woods.

They take a “serene” and “magical” ride to the top of the mountain, and you’ll never guess who’s waiting for them there.

He welcomes the happy couple inside and asks what they want for Christmas. Of course, they both answer “love” (more or less), but Santa must be fresh out — because he gives them a tacky wall hanging instead.

“It says Niko and Verla. And then there are two symbols, and one of them represents happiness and the other represents fertility,” explains Vanessa with a grin.

It’s a lighthearted way to start the day, but there are still plenty of Serious Talks to be had. Nick wants someone who’s “strong enough and confident enough in themselves … that they can be my teammate, my partner.” Hmmmm… Teammate. Partner. These are words that describe someone who doesn’t always insist on his or her own way. It also suggests someone who understands the rules of the game before she starts to play — and if what Vanessa says next is any indication, she certainly doesn’t: “If you end up with me because my relationship with you is slightly greater than someone else’s … I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.”

Nick’s slight head-tilt says it all: GURL, WHAT SHOW DID YOU THINK YOU SIGNED UP FOR?

“There’s just something that’s not sitting right,” Vanessa continues. “In past relationships I ignored what my gut was trying to tell me, and I ended up miserable.”

So that night, Vanessa is determined to get all the answers she could ever need before Nick heads back to his room. “I kind of feel like every time I ask you a question, it’s very general — the answer’s very general,” she begins, as Nick tries to hide his annoyance and incredulity. After all, Vanessa went on a reality show to compete against 29 women for a husband and now she’s mad that her relationship with Nick doesn’t feel special? To quote Corinne, “What planet are you living on?”

But Nick keeps his composure and does his best to calm Vanessa’s fears, saying that while there are “no guarantees” in this “process,” he’s only going to propose if he’s feeling “a love I’ve never felt before.”

“Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?” Vanessa asks. And oh, man, does Nick blow his answer.

Oof. To be fair, though, I think this blunder comes more from Nick’s desire to give Team Bachelor what they want — Suspense! Drama! The hint of a surprising rejection they can use in the promos! — than anything else. And even though the guy is pretty tone-deaf at times, he does a decent job convincing Vanessa that proposing to someone — even though you know it means enduring endless tabloid scrutiny until the relationship either peters out or culminates in a wedding — is “pretty romantic.”

“When I’ve been with you,” he adds, “I’ve only thought of you.” All Vanessa can think, though, is, And when you’re with her, you’ve only thought of her. [Sob]

So Nick does the only thing he can do — wipe away Vanessa’s tears and give her a comforting hug — before heading back out into the chilly night.

I’ve gotta think the Bachelor’s last Last Chance Date will go more smoothly, as Raven seems slightly more – what’s the word? – chill about this “process” as a whole. Case in point, her attitude about the day: “I’m just puttin’ all the positive energy out there and trying not to let my nerves get me.”

In keeping with the skating theme from their first one-on-one date, the Bachelor Interns have cleared the snow from a patch of frozen lake so Raven and Nick can go ice skating together. Cue the Sixpence None the Richer! “It’s just easy with Raven,” says Nick. “She always puts me in great spirits.” It does seem Raven and Nick have more fun together than he does with Vanessa — even when they’re making out on uncomfortable surfaces, like a layer of murky swamp water. Or a frozen lake.

And maybe Nick can relax more with Raven because Raven is more relaxed with herself, and with him. Have we ever once heard Raven moan about the “other women” she’s competing against? Maybe she’s just got solid humor defenses, or maybe — just maybe — Raven has a borderline-healthy perspective on this whole “process.” Hey look — puppies!

Even that night, when Nick tells Raven he’s so stressed about making this decision that he’s sick to his stomach and can’t move his neck, she doesn’t start shame spiraling. Instead, she assures him she has “no hesitation” and is “ready” to get engaged to him. And he LOVES it. “I have no reservations about how happy you would make me,” says Nick, in response. “I’m sorry I’m taking so long to figure my heart out.”

It was around this time — or perhaps right after Nick said Raven could give him “the type of love and lasting relationship that I’ve always wanted” — that I started to get really invested in the idea of Nick proposing to Raven, which, as we know, rose lovers, is a sure sign that he’s going to pick Vanessa. Damn you and your strategic editing, Team Bachelor!

But first, Neil Lane.

Nobody asked you, Patrice! By now, Nick’s an old hand at executing the “beauty shot” as per Neil’s contract.

With that out of the way, Nick, let’s do this. The “ladies,” bundled up in cozy wraps over their glittery gowns, carefully make their way through the snow to the awaiting SUVs, as Nick dutifully reiterates the pros and cons of each women in voiceover and warns us that “this could all still blow up in my face.” But after the next commercial break, the script shifts to “I’ve made my decision” and “I have to say goodbye to someone I really care about.”

And the unlucky woman is…

Of course, it’s Raven. Of course Nick is choosing the relationship that has so many red flags, it might as well be an art installation by Christo and Jean-Claude. (A little New York humor for you.) Of course Raven now has to walk into a room that looks like the inside of a Christmas tree slaughterhouse and recite an abridged version of her dating history with Nick before getting emotionally sucker-punched on national TV.

Her preamble is mercifully short (Raven is a no-nonsense kinda girl), and that means we get to Nick’s unhappy reveal a lot faster: “I think about how much I’ve grown to care about you, respect you, and I feel like how much love I have for you. Thinking about last night … and this morning, I just don’t know if I’m in love,” the Bachelor finally chokes out. “I know my heart’s somewhere else.”

Like most Bachelors, Nick doesn’t know when to stop, so he goes on to tell Raven how much he loved being with her the night before, and how “torn up” he feels now. “I don’t know, I’m just — I’m sorry,” he mumbles, finally. “I’m gonna miss you.” Raven’s response to that is perfect: “I know.”

With that, Nick leads her outside to the SUV — without even giving her back her wrap, I might add — and they part with a tearful hug. Raven, steel magnolia that we know her to be, is tearful but composed in her exit interview. “I wish more than anything that I could find love, but I just don’t even think that it’s possible,” she says softly. “So why even look for something that’s, like, not possible?” There, there, Raven — anything is possible in Paradise. We’ll see you there in a few months.

But we’re not done yet, folks. First, Nick plans to propose to the woman who wants him to move to Canada and have a weekly lunch with her extended family. Will he tell her that he plans to do Dancing With the Stars after the season’s over and therefore needs to stay in Los Angeles indefinitely? Let’s find out…

At first, I thought it was a baller move that Vanessa didn’t offer Nick a little spiel about how she fell in love with him or how she can’t wait to spend her life waking up next to him, etc., etc. Instead, she just fixed him with her regal gaze and waited.

But it was all part of Team Bachelor‘s plan, as they aim to keep the “Will Vanessa reject Nick?” narrative alive to the very last minute. After Nick tells Vanessa he’s been falling in love with her since the second rose ceremony (“I don’t want to fight it anymore, because I do love you. I’m in love with you”), she does perform her soliloquy. “Walking out of the limo, and seeing you for the first time, I knew there was something special and different about you. I thought, ‘There’s no way he’s going to notice me,'” says Vanessa, choking up. “Instead, you’ve noticed every part of me.”

Well, all righty then.

“I know things are not going to be easy,” continues Vanessa. “I know I can get emotional and a little crazy. … But I promise to remind you ever day how happy you make me.” Okay, Nick, that’s your cue.

Yes, yes, yes, she will. The ring, the final rose, she’ll take it all.

And thus, the duo rides their horse-drawn sleigh off into the sunset … and halfway around the world to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where we’ll meet them next on After the Final Rose.

Harrison welcomes us with yet another promise of “an historic” event — something to do with our already-beloved new Bachelorette Rachel — but first, it’s time to hear how the Bachelor (no longer?) is doing, now that he’s back in the “real” world … sort of, but not really.

As per usual, the first order of business is to reunite Nick with his runner-up, Raven. “Now that you’ve had time to think about it,” Harrison asks, “what would you like to say to Nick?” God bless her, the poor girl wants to APOLOGIZE for being so “stoic” when Nick dumped her — which she says was due to her needing time to “process” what was happening. Nick, to his credit assures her that she has nothing to be sorry for. And though she seemed calm and collected about the fact that there was another woman vying for Nick’s heart at the end, Raven admits she did have internal “struggles” about it — but she chose to keep things upbeat around Nick.

Of course, Harrison asks Raven how she feels about Nick’s beloved, Vanessa, and her answer is gracious. “I’m really happy for you,” she tells Nick, a little sadly. “Just because it wasn’t me, doesn’t mean I wish any ill will on your relationship.”

And in case you had any doubt, Raven is going to Paradise. See you this summer, honey!

Up next is Vanessa, who, in keeping with her personality throughout the season, is a little reserved and less than bubbly. “Some days are tougher than others,” she says. It’s like any relationship, she adds, noting, “but ours is televised.” Living in separate countries is a big challenge, as is watching her now fiancé getting romantic with a group of other women. “I decided not to watch Fantasy Suites,” says Vanessa. “I just watched my part.” Smart girl.

Though they’ve had some good times (Nick makes her breakfast!) and they’re “very excited” for the future, Vanessa is clearly ready to put this whole “life on TV” thing behind her. Even the last few days, which they’ve spent together doing press for ABC, haven’t been what one would call “normal.” Busy schedules, separate cars. “I just want to be in the same car with the guy!” notes Vanessa, wryly.

For now, honey, you’ll have to settle for being on the same couch with the guy. Let’s bring him out!

But Harrison doesn’t want to bask in their lovers’ glow for long. Instead, he hammers Nick and Vanessa with questions about how much “pressure” they must feel to have their relationship succeed. “We’re still looking forward to having that first normal moment,” Nick admits. “We still are getting to know each other. That’s the reality.”

And they’re getting to know each other while everyone else is watching their relationship unfold on TV — and Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat and whatever else the kids are doing these days. So no, Harrison, there is no wedding date set. “Have you picked a country?” the host asks, undaunted. Nick says they’re “leaning toward the good old U.S. of A.” and Vanessa explains that she’s working on establishing a charity that helps people with learning disabilities. As for that whole Dancing With the Stars decision? Nick says he has Vanessa’s full support. Doesn’t she look excited?

Finally, it’s time for Team Bachelor to bring out our new Bachelorette and do something so unprecedented it’ll blow our minds. Rachel, get your butt out here and get ready to be a part of HISTORY!

“I’m so ready to get my season started,” says Rachel, with her megawatt smile. Though she’s not looking forward to dumping people on TV, she knows it’s part of the deal and that finding “love” isn’t meant to be easy. Finally, Harrison starts inching us toward the big reveal. “Has anything surprised you thus far?” he asks Rachel. Yes, all the support she’s received from Bachelor Nation. “Have you thought about night one?” Harrison continues. Sure, says Rachel. She’s looking forward to seeing the guys and their silly limo gags.

And that’s when Harrison drops the bomb: “I’ve been talking about this epic surprise for Bachelor Nation — but it’s actually an epic surprise for you!” Yes, Rachel’s Bachelorette “journey” starts … right now. With that, a team of production ninjas wheels out a backdrop of Casa Bachelorette as Harrison informs Rachel that she’ll be meeting “some” of the men who will be competing for her heart now, on live TV.

It isn’t many, though, because by the time we’re back from commercial break, it’s 10:52 p.m. Up first is a man named DeMario (sp?), who comes in a little hot with a ring and plane tickets to Vegas.

“In all seriousness, I can’t wait to get to know you this season,” says DeMario, saving the encounter at the last minute. Up next is Blake, who tells Rachel she smells good, and … yeah, then he seems out of ideas.

But Blake doesn’t tank nearly as badly as Dean, who looks our beautiful Bachelorette in the eye and actually says (God, I even hate typing this), “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back.” No, Dean. Just NO.

Finally we have Eric from Baltimore, a handsome young man who doesn’t try anything silly or outlandish or obnoxious. “What will be will be,” he says. “I’m looking forward to spending time with you, to get to know you.” And she LOVES it. Eric, we’ll be keeping an eye on you.

Team Bachelor wisely decides to cut the stunt off after four guys — and with that, Harrison signs off with a few plugs (Jimmy Kimmel Live, the twins’ new reality show on Freeform, Bachelor in Paradise). (I will be watching one of those three. Can you guess which?)

Well, rose lovers, we made it. For the last time this season, I want to hear your thoughts — did Nick make the right choice? Are you happy Raven will be on Paradise? And why do I already love Rachel so much it hurts? Post your thoughts now! And stay tuned for Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog, which is coming on Tuesday.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sleep until The Bachelorette starts in May.

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