‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Thai And Stop Her

Man, it’s been a long week — wouldn’t you say, rose lovers? Sure, Team Bachelor tried to distract us with a bats*%t new promo for Bachelor in Paradise, but it wasn’t enough to distract us from our intense need to know: DID JOJO SEND LUKE HOME OR IS LIFE STILL WORTH LIVING?

Ah, if only that were true! But let’s back up a bit. The episode begins where we left off, with JoJo sobbing “What do I do?” while Robby, Jordan, Chase, and Luke shift nervously and wait for the rose ceremony to resume. It finally does — after however long did it took for JoJo to redo her makeup after that meltdown — and the Bachelorette begins handing out roses. They go to Jordan, Robby (!), and… Chase.

For the love of all that’s holy, JoJo, you’re choosing Robby over Luke? Why, woman — why??? She leads Luke to the Pity Bench and tries to explain. “As the days and the weeks and the months went on… I started to struggle with not knowing where you stood,” says the Bachelorette through her tears. (Months? Honey, at this point it’s been, like, 6 weeks.) Luke, shellshocked, isn’t super keen to stick around for more. “I wanted to fall in love with you, but we never got to see it through,” he says flatly, and rises to go. “This is not supposed to be happening.” Preach, cowboy!

Um, JoJo? Perhaps the fact that you are weeping uncontrollably is a sign that you should not be sending Luke home? “I had no clue I wasn’t saying enough,” says Luke, his voice quavering. “I thought that when I looked in your eyes… I thought that that magic was real.”

We feel you, pal. “I miss you already,” Luke croaks, as JoJo sobs and wraps her arms around him yet again. “I care so much about you!” she cries unhelpfully. Luke fixes her with a intense stare, his eyes wounded, and whispers, “I’m sorry.” And with that, he climbs into the back of the Reject Limo and heads down the road to his next destination.

All hail the next Bachelor! Just remember to wait 30 minutes before you start handing out roses, Luke, or else you might cramp up.

Hey, you wanna see something awkward?

Yep, Jordan, Chase, and Robby are still just standing there, watching (and probably hearing) JoJo as she weeps openly about letting Luke go. “What if that was a mistake?” she wails. “I miss him already!”

One commercial break later, though, JoJo is fully recovered and gushing about how “amazing” it feels to be in the “breathtaking” and “romantic” country of Thailand. And she’s so confident, “not just with one relationship, but three relationships.” Now all JoJo needs is “clarity” — and that’s where the Fantasy Suite comes in, of course.

Okay, Robby, you’re up! “She hasn’t told me she loves me,” confesses the one-time swimmer. "But I can tell that it’s there.“ Their visit to an outdoor market it cut short by torrential rain, so JoJo and Robby stop for a Thai foot massage and a rehash of their conversation about Robby’s ex during hometowns.

Yeah, you’re a real profile in courage, Robby.

By nightfall, the skies have cleared — but JoJo’s outlook is still somewhat cloudy. Can she trust Robby when he says “I love you”? After all, didn’t former aspiring politician Ben Higgins say the same thing? The Bachelorette probes a bit, asking Robby what his family said when he informed them that he’s in love with a woman he’s known for 17 minutes. “They were all for it!” declares Robby, basically, and to prove it he pulls out a note that his Dad gave him the night of his hometown date.

“I want you to know I’m not like those guys in your past,” says Robby. “I’m not going to say those three important words and then cop out early.” And she LOVES it.

Man, that grilled salmon on a bed of whipped mashed potatoes looks delicious. Anyhow, JoJo hands Robby the card for the Fantasy Suite, and he eagerly accepts. “At this point, I know I love Robby, and I know I’m ready to take the next step,” confesses the Bachelorette, as her eyes well with tears. “It’s, like, such a great feeling.” Robby closes the door on the cameras, and we fade to black… but that’s not where the date ends! Thanks to groundbreaking Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe — who dared to show America that young, single women actually have sex with people they’re dating — the show now has no problem bringing cameras into the Fantasy Suite to record a little Morning After footage.

Yo Robby, pull those sheets up a little higher, dude. Nobody needs to see that. JoJo had such a great night, she almost told Robby she loves him — but decided against it for obvious reasons. “I know the best thing to do at this point is to not say anything,” she explains. “I will not tell somebody I love them until it’s at the end.” Yeah, BEN.

Date No. 2 goes to Jordan, whose hair remains lofty and glorious despite the brutal Thai humidity.

They embrace on the beach and head off for a “steep” and “challenging” hike. Because, you know, love is like climbing stone steps up a mountain — it makes you breathe hard and can cause cramps if you don’t hydrate. Or something. Their ultimate destination is a beautiful temple tucked deep inside a mountain cavern. But no kissing, you two! This place is sacred and should not be sullied by your out-of-wedlock lust. “It’s really hard to not be all over each other,” sighs JoJo, though she thinks the ban on hanky-panky may help her figure out if her connection with Jordan is more than just physical.

So she and Captain Hairdo try talking for once, and it’s not long before the conversation turns to the upcoming meeting with her family. We in Bachelor Nation all know how awesome JoJo’s parents are, but apparently Jordan missed her hometown date with Ben, so she recaps the basics for him: Dad “always worries” about her, mom is “crazy and fun"…

…and her two older brothers are "protective.” Man, I can’t wait to see that wackadoodle bunch again.

Over dinner, JoJo gets down to the nitty-gritty with Jordan: “In your mind, what does the next year look like for you?” After an excruciating pause, Jordan gives an excruciatingly vague response. “It’s a tough question to answer,” he tells JoJo. “It kind of depends. I don’t know what it’s going to look like exactly, 100 percent.” No worries, Jordan! We’ve got your answer right here: “I figure I’ll sit in the audience while you do Dancing With the Stars, then maybe you and I can do an episode or two of Marriage Boot Camp on WEtv, and after that I’ll give a tell-all breakup interview to People magazine.”

That wasn’t so hard, was it? JoJo, meanwhile, is very unhappy with Jordan’s evasions.

But she does the girl thing of downplaying her concerns. “I think that makes me nervous,” she tells Jordan. “I feel like with your lifestyle there’s a lot of movement, there’s a lot of being gone.” Wait, what lifestyle? Since when is “unemployed former football player” a “lifestyle”? Not quite clear what JoJo is talking about, but suffice it to say that she is not on board for a long-distance relationship. Jordan tries to turn her frown upside-down by assuring her that his lack of a “home base” (read: “job”) means he can be “wherever you need to be,” but JoJo — ever the optimist — wonders what will happen when Jordan finally does find gainful employment. “In six months you could get a phone call and you’ll be like, ‘Well, peace, I’m out!’”

Jordan, flummoxed, breaks out the tried-and-true “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” line, but JoJo literally wags her finger at him and scolds, “Ehhh, that’s what Ben said.” Ooooh, Jordan, need some ice for that burn?

Sorry, pompadour, but you’re gonna have to do better than that if you want to make it to the final two. Honestly, this whole exchange sums up why I don’t like Jordan — he’s so arrogant and cavalier that he can’t even pretend that he’s spent any time thinking about how JoJo might fit into his life after the cameras are gone. And more power to JoJo for continuing to press the issue. “You have told me that you love me and that you’re in love with me and you want to spend your life with me,” she says. “How do you know? How do you know?”

Jordan takes a deep breath, reaches way down into his soul, and comes up with this: “I have a feeling when I’m with you that I’ve never had before… And I really, truly think I am a better person with you, and in the past month ever since I told you I was in love with you, when I think about that wedding day… it’s with you.”

And she… doesn’t quite LOVE it, but she’s okay with it. Jordan gets the Fantasy Suite invite, as we all knew he would. “It’s so exciting for me to know that at this point, Jordan and I both love each other,” says JoJo dreamily. So if you’re keeping score, the Bachelorette has now said she’s in love with Robby and Jordan. Will she go for the hat trick with Chase? We’ll find out, after this brief breakfast interlude featuring JoJo, a shirtless Jordan, and a delectable-looking fruit plate.

“Loving two guys at the same time, I don’t know what to do!” sighs JoJo. “I think I understand now more than ever how Ben got there.”

The writing is pretty clearly on the wall for poor Chase, but out of respect for his perfectly-trimmed scruff, let’s recap his date anyway. They meet up at a seaport, where Chase immediately begins taunting JoJo with a dead fish… but she gets her revenge. “Kiss him!” she commands. “For me!”

“I’m having so much fun with Chase,” gushes JoJo. “It really is amazing how much, like, joy he brings to me.” During a boat ride they kids and giggle and wave to a nearby monkey, though JoJo is disappointed that the creature doesn’t wave back. (Wait, did she just say “monkeys are human”? God I hope not.) Chase, meanwhile, is having the time of his life: “We’re in this magical place with monkeys and fishermen, and saltwater and fish — today’s amazing!” I love a guy who appreciates the simple pleasures in life.

While these two do seem to be having a great deal of fun together, it’s clear that JoJo just isn’t as into Chase as the other guys, and that’s too bad. He’s clearly the most genuine guy left — and while he may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer (God doesn’t give with both hands, after all), Chase is obviously a very good dude with no agenda.

Speaking of agendas — knock knock knock — Robby’s at the door! “What are you doin’?” coos a delighted JoJo. “I keep thinking about you,” says Robby. “After this week, I’ve never been more ready to get down on one knee.”

Fine, pal, but do it on your own time! This is Chase’s day. “I am in the middle of a date,” JoJo reminds Robby gently, before showing him the door. Still, she loved his little “surprise” visit. “It just confirms why I care so much about him.”

But enough about Robby! Let’s get to Chase’s Last (Uneaten) Meal. “I want a future for us,” he tells JoJo. “I can see the man you deserve and I want to be that man — and I want to smear that lipstick.” Go right ahead, sir!

As for the rest of the conversation? Who cares! Team Bachelorette skips straight to the Fantasy Suite card, because that’s where the real action happens.

Yep, Chase has finally dropped the l-bomb, meaning JoJo can no longer claim that she’s not sure of what he’s feeling. “Thank you for telling me that,” says the Bachelorette uneasily. In private, she admits, “I’m not feeling the way that I thought I was gonna feel.” All she’s feeling, in fact, is “an overwhelming feeling of doubt,” and in a moment of panic, she excuses herself to go freak out outside. “I wanted to fall in love with him,” she says tearfully. “Our relationship just isn’t where it needs to be.”

Eventually she makes her way back inside to get on with the ugly business of breaking Chase’s already-wounded heart. “When you said that to me, like, in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was going to feel,” JoJo says softly. “I don’t know that I’m in the same place as you.” In other words, Chase, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here — as much as JoJo might enjoy a night of unbridled passion with you, she sees you as more than just a chiseled torso and sculpted arms. Chase’s response?

Yeah, he’s pissed. After a big swig of champagne, he gives JoJo the business. “I just jumped over a hurdle that I’ve never done before and now I’m skewered,” he says sharply. “Now I’m shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? You 100 percent made me regret saying that. Now love means ‘Get the f*** out’??” JoJo stammers out some protests but Chase isn’t about to hear it. “You didn’t give it a chance,” he grumbles. “What was missing?” And to her credit, the Bachelorette’s answer is both diplomatic and non-negotiable: “It doesn’t come down to anything other than in a week from now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to say 'I love you’ back.”

This goes on for awhile, with JoJo tearfully insisting that she was just trying to spare Chase the heartbreak she felt with Ben — it goes on for a little too long, honestly. If only JoJo could have stopped herself before saying things like “You and I had a great relationship” and “You are everything I ever wanted” — but we’ll give the girl a break because she’s borderline hysterical. “I don’t want you to walk away feeling like this!” JoJo wails, as Chase walks away feeling like this. “Do you think I would ever give you the Fantasy Suite card to break your heart?” Um…

Okay, Team Bachelorette, can we just send the poor guy on his way now? And for God’s sake, will someone get him a beer?

As he climbs into the Reject Minivan, Chase asks snidely, “Oh, is this my Fantasy Suite?” The whole experience, he adds, was like “pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.” But underneath all that bitter bluster, Chase is just plain ol’ sad. “I’m embarrassed,” he says softly. “And I’m heartbroken.” Hang in there, bro. You will live to say a begrudging “I love you” another day.

Morning dawns on Thailand, and — hey! You! Get away from that Rose Podium!

Man, those Bachelor interns are really sleeping on the job. (Yes, I know that Team Bachelorette intentionally put a treat of some sort on the table so the monkey would come. It just works better the other way.)

Jordan and Robby arrive at the rose ceremony, and after pausing for a brief chat with Harrison, they each make their way inside. “They know nothing about what happened,” Harrison tells JoJo. “I’m sure they’ll be excited, though, to see you instead of Chase.” More like confused.

“Something,” replies Jordan wisely. JoJo, do you care to fill the boys in? “As you can see, Chase is not here,” she begins. “And that is because I sent Chase home.” Pssst, JoJo! Unless Chase happens to live in this stone courtyard, I don’t think he actually went home. Look!

Yeppers, this is happening. I mean, what’s probably actually happening is that Team Bachelorette couldn’t get Chase a flight back home to the States for a day or two, so they decided to squeeze one last drop of drama out the situation. “Do people get sent home and come back from the dead?” Robby wonders? Let’s find out…

Chase pulls JoJo aside and says he’s not there for a second chance — he just didn’t want to leave things on such an angry, combative note. “I was shocked,” he explains. “There was a lot of things that I wasn’t able to say because I was so shocked, and I resorted to anger and walls up right away. And that’s not how I want us to end.” He goes on to tell JoJo that he’s proud of her, he admires her, and that he still has “an immense amount of love” for her. (And by the way, if things don’t work out with the former swimmer or the former QB, Chase, like Richard Marx, will be right here waiting.)

Wow. These lunkheads don’t usually surprise me, but Chase, sir, I am pleasantly surprised by your kindness and maturity. Now please, PLEASE don’t ruin things by going on Bachelor in Paradise, okay?

Anyhoo, roses. One for you, Jordan, and one for you, Robby. Cheers!

Remember, rose lovers, we are going to see JoJo’s hero mom again next week — and that is really something worth toasting.

But first, it’s time for the Men Tell All, and based on the promo, it’s sure to be heavy on the Chad Bear.

In fact, he almost gets in a fight with this guy!

Um, anyone remember who that guy is? I’m drawing a blank. After that, it’s all over but the crying — and by the looks of it, the three-hour finale (!) will feature plenty of crying. Until then rose lovers, let me know what you thought of tonight’s episode. On a scale of okay to devastated, how do you feel about JoJo sending Luke home? Did she make the right pick for her Final Two? And how awesome would it have been if this monkey tackled Chase?

Post your thoughts now! And don’t forget to come back tomorrow night for our recap of the Men Tell All, as well as Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog. Stay cool and monkey-free, rose lovers!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All will air Tuesday, July 26 at 8 p.m. on ABC.